One of my favorite quotes from Dr. Seuss is “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” How true this is! I have a t-shirt that says it and a sign in my bathroom. And I try really hard to live it every day – both for myself and for the kids and their autism.
It really is a pet peeve of mine. Think about it. Do you ever multi-task when you are watching TV? Maybe clean while listening to the show? Does anyone harass you to look at the TV so they know you are paying attention to it? Nope. But people constantly try to force people with autism to look at them while they are talking.
Is it more polite to look at someone when they are talking? Sure – but do you always do it? Don’t you look around while they are talking? And do you still hear what they said? Exactly! And people with autism have so many sensory issues that I’m sure they hear even more than we do when they aren’t looking.
Casey told me a long time ago that eyes move. I couldn’t understand that and she couldn’t explain until I read an article about eyes and how they are almost constantly in motion – the pupils, the eye lids, etc. Can you imagine trying to listen to someone while their eyes are bouncing around? Of course, most people don’t notice the eye movements, but if you have autism and have hypersensitive sight (see too much), imagine the distraction that would be!
I stopped telling the kids to look at me years and years ago. Even before I knew why they didn’t want to, it seemed pointless. I knew they were listening to me, even if they weren’t looking. (I learned that the hard way when Casey repeated a sentence in a very inappropriate place! 🙂 )
From a young age, children with autism are taught to act more like their peers. I understand that, in some things, this is a great idea, why do we expect them to become mirror images of other children? We don’t tell a typical child to eat something that will make him/her sick, but we try to convince a child with autism to try it. We don’t force typical children to wear clothes that cause them pain, but we want kids with autism to try them.
When a typical child says “No” to trying something, often, we let it go and hope to try again later. When a child with autism says/indicates no, we try “if, then” statements or “now, later.” We try to reason with them. Why? Not this mom. I say “are you sure?” and move on with life. Cause to be honest, if someone tried to force me to eat certain foods, I would have a meltdown myself.
Don’t you have any foods you don’t like? Fabrics that you don’t like to wear? How about sounds that bother your ears? You don’t have autism – you just have preferences. Why can’t we accept those preferences in our kids?
Don’t misunderstand me. There are times when Casey and Rob are not given choices about doing something. They are not allowed to sleep at work (is anyone?). They are not allowed to steal. They have to take baths/showers and brush their teeth. They have to help with chores around the house. But – I don’t ask either of them to do something that would truly cause pain. Rob would have a hard time using a sweeper because of the sound, while Casey puts a finger in her ear and does it.
Their autism is part of who they are. They are adults and should be treated as such as much as possible. I know some decisions are beyond their understanding (why can’t we stop for ice cream and a coke every time we go to Grandma and Grandpa’s house?) but I try to help them through the hard choices.
Rob gets hot easily, but refuses to wear shorts. I tell him he would be cooler in shorts, but that’s a decision he can make without causing harm to himself. Casey has a calendar in her head for when it’s okay to wear shorts and pants. I have told her it’s okay to wear shorts in April if she is hot, but she doesn’t. Again, that’s her choice and one that won’t harm her.
I don’t wear clothes that are uncomfortable to me so why would I expect them to? Because “normal” people don’t wear the same 5 shirts all the time? Who cares? I mean, really – who cares? Another favorite quote “Those who mind don’t matter and the ones that matter, don’t mind.” Same thing – if something about my kids bothers you, stay away. We don’t need your negativity in our lives.
I don’t eat certain foods. Yes, I may be more inclined to try them (Sometimes! 🙂 ) but I don’t eat what I don’t like. And yet, we try to tell people with autism they should eat more of a variety. Why? Yes, there are times to be concerned for health reasons, but if your child is healthy, why worry that chicken nuggets and applesauce is the only thing he/she will eat? Rob went for years (he didn’t have so many problems eating when he was little – it started right before puberty) only eating the same things and refusing to try anything new. Fifteen years later, he’s willing to try most things. He doesn’t always like it, but he tries. Score a huge point for us!
If I was in a crowd of people and the noise/smells/pushing was getting to me, I would leave. But how many times are people with autism expected to sit and handle the same? Especially when the noise and the smells are multiplied for them? Wouldn’t you have a meltdown, too, if you were forced to be somewhere that was making you physically sick?
OK – I’m done ranting. It’s just so irritating to hear people say we need to change people with autism to be more like us. Why? For the most part, people with autism don’t lie, cheat or judge people. They tend to accept everyone who respects and accepts them – and we want to change them into “normal” people? Nope, not happening. WE should be more like them.
Treat others the way you want to be treated. Just like a person with autism would. (and yes, we may have to help them understand how to do that, but helping others is always a good plan!)