Tag: autism mom

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Autism and Dental Visits

Autism and Dental Visits

Last Monday, Rob pointed to his cheek and said, “Hurts!” I was worried because he has such a high tolerance for pain that if he says something hurts, a typical person probably would have been crying about it days before. But, I couldn’t get him to tell me what hurts – whether it was inside his mouth or his cheek. He ate supper and didn’t mention it again that evening.

Tuesday morning, he got up and again said, “Hurts” pointing inside his mouth this time. I asked if it was his cheek or throat or a tooth, but he just kept repeating “Hurts.” He didn’t have a fever and was eating, so I was worried, but not panicked, yet. I did call his neurologist to get advice on where to take him to the dentist, if it turned out to be a tooth. I looked in his mouth, but couldn’t see anything obviously wrong. Because his allergies had been bothering him, I almost thought maybe it was sinus pressure. (My teeth ache at times from that).

When he got home that day, he was hurting. Obviously hurting and he could finally tell me it was a tooth and he pointed to it. I felt terrible for not calling the dentist that day and did what I could for him that evening. He was still eating without issue, but he told me “hurts” repeatedly through the evening and was asleep early. I cried. I just couldn’t help him and I felt so guilty for not making more calls that day. (But, again – I wasn’t sure what the problem was – he didn’t tell me tooth until late in the day.)

Wednesday, he wanted to go to day hab with Casey, even though I wanted him to stay home so I could keep an eye on him. As soon as dentist’s offices opened, I started making calls and it wasn’t long before I was ready to cry again. I couldn’t find anyone to even look at him – that would even try to help us. I was told they weren’t trained for these types of people – that they didn’t think they could help him – that I needed to find someone who “knew” autism. I finally found a place that was two hours from home that would happily look at him – but they wouldn’t take his insurance. I told her I would happily self pay just to get him some relief, but she told me they couldn’t do that.

After many, many calls, I finally found a place only 45 minutes from home that said they would be happy to see him and made an appointment for early the next morning. I had a good cry when I got off the phone – finally, someone who cared enough to at least try! I had no doubt that Rob would be difficult, but we needed help. I wanted to call those other people back and say, “What about helping people? isn’t this why you became a dentist??” but I didn’t.

I worried all evening about how Rob would react to a new place, a new doctor and new experience. He was in so much pain, he didn’t even make a fuss when Casey left without him. When we got to the office, I told him I would get him construction paper as soon as we were done if he would let the dentist see his tooth.

Rob walked in so calmly. When the tech called his name, he jumped right up and followed her. When we got to the cubicle, he sat right down in the chair, looked at the tech, said “Hurts” and opened his mouth to point at the tooth. I was in shock, but so happy! She asked him if she could take an x-ray of his mouth and again, he got right up and followed her. Once he understand what he had to do (bite down and hold still) he was perfect. The x-ray showed a broken tooth. Our choices were a root canal or pull it and I told her it just needed to come out.

He went back to the cubicle and sat down. When the dentist came in, he opened his mouth and showed him the tooth. The dentist talked to Rob, not me (that was so awesome of him!), and Rob let him put a temporary filling in with no issue. (The only problem came when some of the filling stuff was on his tongue and the dentist told him to stick out his tongue and he looked at me to see if that was okay. 🙂 ) They gave him antibiotics and he goes back in two weeks to see if he will let them pull it. If he won’t let them, an appointment with a specialist will be made and that tooth and his wisdom teeth will all come out under sedation. The office we went to will use nitrous gas next time and see if that will relax him enough to pull it.

When we left, I was in tears – again. I kept telling him how proud I was – that he did so awesome. He looked at me like I was crazy (again) and reminded me I promised construction paper. We found a store and he chose three big packs, plus two new books. I don’t care if I over did it. I am so proud at how he handled it all! I have hopes that he will let the dentist do what needs done the next time, too, but pulling a tooth is much scarier that having x-rays, so we’ll see.

This was a huge reminder that we never know what our kids are capable of until we let them try! Never in a million years would I have dreamed he would be so cooperative (I have many terrible memories of taking him to the dentist as a child – I’m sure everyone in the building heard his screams). Let your kids try! The worst that can happen is you will have to leave and try again another time. Who cares if they cry? or scream? Don’t worry about what other people think.

If I had one wish from all of this, it would be to all of the doctor’s and dentist’s and other medical people – please, please… don’t ignore us. We need help and every time one of you turns us away, it’s like another knife to our heart. We know our kids need extra help. We know it may be a terrible experience for you – but we need help as much as everyone else. Welcome us. Tell us you will try. Even if we have to go somewhere else, at least we know you care enough about our child to try and help. That little effort means so much. Don’t turn us away before you try.

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Self-Care and an Autism Parent

Self-Care and an Autism Parent

Repeat after me… “I have to take care of me so I can take care of my child.” How many times have I said that to you? How many times have I admitted that I’m not very good at it? My head knows, but sometimes, I still feel guilt when I just sit.

I realized last night I was running on empty when I was getting anxious because I hadn’t finished a project. The crazy thing is – this project is a hobby! Something I enjoy doing. I was getting anxious because I hadn’t had time to finish scrapbooking several pictures.

Somehow, I let a hobby I enjoy become something that had to be done. I tend to do this when I haven’t taken the time to do something for me. Usually, walking and working out help keep the anxiety away but with the foot injury, it’s been months since I’ve been able to do either.

Another reason I noticed that I hadn’t done much for myself was a blog I read by a young man with autism. If you haven’t read Dustin’s Dynasty, you are missing out! His perspective as an adult with autism is helping me learn how Casey and Rob might feel about different things. He is learning how important it is for him to take care of himself and said he struggled with doing nothing.

Wow – that hit me right between the eyes. I am rarely doing nothing. I have my computer on my lap or I’m crocheting or I’m working on another project or I’m reading. I don’t sit and watch TV without doing something else, too. This works for me – until it doesn’t.

When I realized my hobbies were causing me stress, I knew I had to change things. Last night, I sat on my patio and watched the birds. I listened to the wind chimes. I daydreamed about pool days. Once or twice, guilt tried to sneak in – I should be sweeping the patio or powerwashing the house. I shoved those thoughts away and went back to watching the birds.

I’ve heard so many other parents say they have given up hobbies – they spend all of their time taking care of their child, their home and working. They can’t sleep at night, they are gaining weight, they have forgotten how to watch the clouds. I completely understand this, but… It’s not a good life for you or your child.

We already worry about who will care for our kids when we are gone. Taking care of yourself now will help you avoid preventable health issues – heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes – that can all be prevented or controlled by you taking care of yourself.

A break from autism is wonderful and needed at times. But, there are many ways you can care for yourself with your child. Go for walks (put your child in a wagon or stroller). Play on a playground. Share your favorite hobbies – let your child paint, take pictures, play an instrument. Craft with your child.

Practice healthy recipes together. Go on a picnic. Go bowling. Play miniature golf. The ideas are endless. And yes, you may have to adapt your outings to fit your child’s needs. But, right now, your needs are more important. You have got to take care of you!

I’ll be the first to admit – I’m struggling with guilt right now. The floor needs swept. A few windows need cleaned. I need to meal plan. I have two stories the need written for the paper. But – I’m going to watch a favorite movie and maybe take a nap.

There are days when I have no energy or desire to do anything. I need to remember that it’s ok to do nothing. To sit and recharge myself without guilt. No energy is my body’s way of reminding me I’ve pulled myself too thin again and I need to chill out and do nothing.

Push away the guilt. Let yourself recharge before you crash. If you crash, so will your child. Take care of yourself for them if you can’t relax for yourself. I challenge you – every day for the next week, do one thing for yourself. It doesn’t have to be a big thing – just something for you. Watch TV. Read a book. Watch the clouds. Go for a walk. Savor a milkshake. Anything – just for you!

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Autism and Tips from First Responders (part 1)

Autism and Tips from First Responders (part 1)

Last week, our autism support group (ASK Autism) was excited to have four first responders from our county join us to share their tips for helping them keep our family members with autism safe in emergencies. We got so many wonderful ideas that I decided to split it into three parts and will share the information with you over the next few weeks.

Autism can be particularly challenging when it comes to preparing for emergencies. By it’s very nature, autism is unpredictable at times and we all know that just because our child does something one way, one time, it doesn’t mean they will ever do it that way again. But – we can prepare ourselves and as many people around us as we can.

The first one to speak was a deputy sheriff. The sheriff’s department handles the entire county where we live. If you have a police department, make sure you talk to them, too.

Deputy Bryant’s biggest tip was to do anything we can to make it obvious there is a person with a disability in the vehicle in case of an accident and we aren’t able to speak. Stickers on the windows are good, but in the dark and in an emergency, they might not be noticed. He advised purchasing or making seat belt covers that say “person with autism” or whatever the disability may be. These can be purchased online and aren’t too expensive.

The covers are simple – just some type of material that wraps around the seat belt and is held by Vel-cro, so you can easily switch to other vehicles if you need. Mandy and I are planning to purchase plain ones and use a Cricut to add the information we feel is most important to the cover. I plan to write on the underside information like their names, an emergency number and their birthdays. The deputy shared that the covers, even if the person was out of the vehicle, would be something that would be noticed and would help the first responders to understand how to help your loved one faster.

Another tip the deputy shared was that our county collects information from families and that when 911 is dialed from that residence the information will pop up to the dispatcher. The forms are simple and we can give us much information as we want. Items like where they sleep, if they will come to their name being called, anything that may help first responders that are called to our home in an emergency. Even if you think what you want to share is common sense, share it anyway. You never know what might save your child’s life.

I don’t believe this is something that is available everywhere, but maybe your phone call to your local department will get the ball rolling for them to put an information system in place. In either case, you won’t know until you call. My forms are almost ready to email back – I’m just waiting to see if I think of anything else that might be important.

Another idea he had was to flag your license plates. Again, this is available in Ohio – you would have to check with your area. It’s another simple form, but this one has to be signed by a doctor. It lists the person’s name and attaches their government issued ID, if they have one. You can list up to nine license plates of vehicles your child may be riding in and if your plates are run by a deputy, it will show that there is a person with a communication disability in the vehicle. It won’t share more than that, but at least it is a warning that there could be a communication issue and the deputy can be aware that behaviors may occur because of that.

The deputy also recommended that you have a recent picture of your child on your phone at all times. And to know their weight and height. If your child is a runner and disappears on you out in public, you have an instant picture to show anyone who might be helping you look. When cell phones became so wide-spread, I took a picture of Casey and Rob as we were leaving to go anywhere. That way, I had what they were wearing in the picture, too. Thankfully, I’ve never had to use my pictures, but you never know!

Share any sensory issues your child may have, such as to the flashing lights or sirens. First responders won’t know to keep a close eye on your child if they don’t know loud noises will cause them to panic and run. Our department also has Project Lifesaver available for our residents. It is a tracking device your child can wear and if they do get out of your home or away from you, they can be tracked quickly.

Something I found very interesting as all of these men talked to us was they kept saying that, though they had been trained in working with special needs, they were surprised at our questions and had to really think about what truly coming to an emergency with a person with autism might be like. My best advice to you – call your police/sheriff’s office, the fire department, the emergency squad. Get as much information to them as you can about your home, your child and their needs. They can’t be prepared to help if they don’t know the situation. Call before you need them!

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Autism and the Here and Now

Autism and the Here and Now

One of the worst things an autism parent can do is focus too much on the future. By that, I mean that you get yourself too scared of the “what ifs” to really see the small steps your child is making every day.

Life is too overwhelming if you focus too much on what your child needs – there is so much! Obviously, you are always aware of those needs and they are never far from your mind, but you can’t live your life that way.

You need to stay present to help your child. For example, if your child is having a meltdown, don’t start thinking of a future full of screams and kicking. Take slow deep breaths and only focus on the next minute. Get through that one and think of the next. If you start thinking this will be your life forever, you will have a meltdown, too.

When we are having a bad day, I forget about everything. All I think about is getting us through that day. Tomorrow will take care of itself. You can’t help your child through a bad time if you are thinking of tomorrow or next week or next month.

After your child calms down is soon enough to think about what needs done to prevent it from happening again. Do you need to schedule a doctor visit? Adjust medications? Talk to the teacher? One small step at a time.

Yes – you want to dream and have hopes for your child – always! But thinking too far in the future during a bad time will only make you think you are dreaming too high. Some days, your focus simply needs to be to take that next deep breath.

It’s the same with the endless paperwork. If you feel overwhelmed by it, you might not even start. So tell yourself you will only do one page and stop. When you break it all down into very small steps, you get it done without losing your mind. (By the way… When you fill out forms, make a copy. It’s do much easier the next time when you have all the information right there!)

Yes, plan for the future, but keep your plans fluid. Every day, your child will change and plans may need to reflect that. Just don’t let the future turn into a black hole. When you are having a rough time, stop thinking too far.

Remind yourself all you have to do is breathe. The next minute will take care of itself.

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Autism and Teaching Life Skills

Autism and Teaching Life Skills

When you have a child with autism, life skills need to be high on the list for what needs to be taught. I’m not saying that typical school subjects aren’t important, but life skills will help your child gain a little independence – even if they always live with you.

I’ll admit – while Casey and Rob do have chores to take care of, I haven’t always pushed them to do more. When I’m tired, I just want things done – not take the time to show them how to do something. I try to remember, tho.

Over the last few days, I’ve been reminded how much Rob loves to help me. And that Casey will usually say “no” as she’s getting up to do whatever I asked. After several months of dealing with a foot injury, I ended up in a hard cast and am supposed to stay off my foot as much as possible.

Luckily, I’m able to put weight on it for a few steps here and there, so I’m not completely helpless and I have a knee scooter to get around the house with. But, doing some things are a little tricky.

So I’ve asked Casey and Rob to help. He filled Blue’s water dish. She got the crock pot for me. He poured drinks for lunch. She folded laundry. They both packed their own lunches yesterday.

Are these huge things? Maybe not, but it shows again how important it is for our kids to understand they are part of the family and need to help when they can. Casey laughed about getting the crock pot and he was so proud he carried a bowl of water without spilling it. So, yes – these things are huge!

When there are so many other things your child with autism needs to learn, I understand that life skills are just a bother. But – imagine how much easier their life will be if they can brush their own teeth – wash their hair – choose their outfits. (I’ll be the first to say Casey sometimes chooses … How do I say this… Loud outfits, but she’s happy and excited, so who cares??)

Having autism is not an excuse to do nothing for yourself. Let your kids learn that – autism is not a free pass. Having said that, obviously, there are better times than others to work on life skills. If your child’s anxiety is high, you’ll make it worse forcing them to perfectly brush their teeth. But, teach them!

People with autism are capable of so many things, but they have to be given the chance to try. Will they succeed the first time? Probably not… But do you? How many things did you have to try over and over before you got it? Why should your child be any different? Again – autism is not an excuse!

Rob likes to help with cooking and to clean mirrors/windows. Are they always streak-free? Nope, but they aren’t always perfect when I do them, either. He likes to flip pancakes. Sometimes they land where he doesn’t want them to. So we try again.

Casey always folds her clothes and has to be reminded to fold others, but she will. She will help with cooking as long as it’s not near the stove – she is very worried about getting burned.

I’m sure in the next few months, they will continue to surprise me with what they can do. And what they are proud to do to help me. Let your children help you before you need the help. Give them the chance to be proud of what they can do. It’s the best of both worlds!

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Autism and the Art of Letting Go

Autism and the Art of Letting Go

When you have a child with autism, fear is never far from your mind. Fear for their safety. Fear they will need something and not be able to communicate that need. Fear they will be teased. Fear they will be lonely. The list goes on and on. But, despite the fears, you have to let them go. You have to let them try new things, go new places, meet new people. Will it always be a good experience? Probably not… but you have to let go.

One of the pages I follow just had a post from a mom who is upset that her son’s teacher wants to transition him to another class. She is actually pretty mad about it. She thinks her son is not ready and is not telling everyone how much he is regressing, despite glowing reports from his therapists and aide. She asked for help in forcing the school to do what she wants.

The thing is, I completely understand her fear. It’s terrifying to let your child be near new people that you don’t know. It’s scary to change a routine that he/she depends on. And really, as autism parents, we learn to live in that routine and we don’t want to change it, either. It’s what we know. But, your child deserves the chance to try. By holding your child in the same place, it may be easier on you, but it also keeps your child from growing. It’s not fair to your child.

I’m sure this mom sees behaviors at home that the school doesn’t see. I’m also sure that her son shows more skills at school than he does at home. Every child does. I’m constantly hearing about things that Casey and Rob will do for others, but when I ask, they look at me like I’m speaking in German. Let’s face it – kids always act worse for parents because they know no matter what, we’ll love them forever. When I was teaching, so many parents would say they had no idea their child could do something because they refused to do it at home. It happens.

But, if your child’s teacher and therapists are seeing amazing progress, it’s time to let go a little. No good teacher will move a child before he/she is ready. Ask for a meeting with the teacher and therapists and listen to their plan. You may not like it, but you can ask questions and share your concerns. Go meet the new teacher. If it’s a new school, tour the entire school and take your child to visit.

The change in routine may not be easy and you need to understand there may be a few rough weeks or months, but ultimately, pushing your child to stretch and learn is what you need to do. You know how you feel when you try something new and really like it? Your child deserves the chance to find what they like, too. They need pushed to keep learning and growing.

Try not to let your child see your fears. Make the change sound like fun and, if you have to, pretend you are excited about it. Do what you need to do to alleviate your anxiety. If the teacher is a good one, he/she will completely understand your anxiety and will do everything they can to help you. Visit the class and see the children who will become your child’s friends. See how the teacher runs the class – you’ll be able to offer her/him ideas on how your child will fit in the best. You can share your child’s strengths and your fears.

With autism, change is rarely easy. Life is unpredictable and it won’t hurt your child to learn that. The good thing with letting go is that you can prepare your child (and yourself!) for changes and grow together. It’s scary. But letting your child try is the best thing you can do for him/her. Remember – always reach for the stars. You won’t get there if you keep your child in one spot forever.

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Autism, Big Steps, Little Steps and a Happy New Year

Autism, Big Steps, Little Steps and Happy New Year

Happy New Year! I realize I’m about a week late wishing that for all of you, but the last several weeks, have been busy and fun and full of family time. While I love sharing our lives with you, sometimes, it just doesn’t seem to happen.

We had so many huge steps forward for both Casey and Rob over the last month. December is a happy month, but for Casey, it also tends to be very stressful as she has a list in her head of what needs to happen for it to be a perfect Christmas and until those things are checked off, she is very serious. This year, though! It was truly amazing! She still had things she wanted to do, but she wasn’t worried about getting everything done. She laughed and enjoyed her way through the month!

She seemed to finally realize that I would make sure everything (well, most everything! 🙂 ) she wanted to do would happen. She didn’t worry about going to light shows. She didn’t repeatedly ask about opening presents – or going to grandma’s for lunch – or Santa coming. Maybe, in some strange way, the pandemic has helped relax her need to control everything. She has finally learned (by way of COVID) that she simply can’t control everything.

We even changed our usual routine of going to my parent’s house for supper on Christmas Day. They came to our house instead and we had supper at their house the day after with my brother and his family. And when she was opening her presents, she was smiling! She giggled at the new Big Bird, she studied the new color by number books, she carefully pulled tags off of new clothes. Usually, she flies through her presents – she has a need to see what she has gotten. This year, she took her time. The pictures of her smiling as she looked at her new things mean so much to me. I truly don’t know when she last smiled in a picture on Christmas morning.

This was also the first year that Rob wrote a letter to Santa! And, on Christmas Eve, he was the one who almost caught Santa. He was asleep and then stumbled from his room. He asked me for Santa and I told him he needed to be asleep. He flopped back on his bed, sound asleep again. I have had my doubts that Rob really believes in Santa, but after that, maybe he does. He was excited to open presents, too, and was thrilled to get an entire set of the power rangers he asked for, plus his signs and Legos. And, plenty of stuff to rip/cut up.

They both went to a movie, again. Rob ate snickerdoodles! They both played Charades with us. Rob is learning (some days with a lot of prompting!) to use a quieter voice when he is sensory seeking. Casey is carefully painting her crafts and not just throwing paint on to say it’s done. Rob was in a store with Mandy and told her “It’s time to eat!” A complete, non-prompted sentence! He is singing songs and chose to wear a brand new shirt! They are both handling changes in their schedules with no reaction.


Last year was a tough year for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, in the midst of sadness, it’s harder to see the little steps forward that our kids make. It’s easier to get swept up in all the negativity and the list of what they aren’t able to do, yet. Notice – I said “yet.” Not today doesn’t mean not ever. Always, always dream for your kids and help them reach for the stars. It’s hard and it’s exhausting, but you will never regret it.

Our wish for all of you is a year full of big and little steps. Celebrate them all! Share them with the world. Your steps forward might be just the encouragement another person needs to keep fighting for their dreams! Have a happy and safe 2022!

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Autism, Holidays and Growing a Thick Skin

Autism, Holidays and Growing a Thick Skin

At our last autism support group meeting, one topic that came up was how to deal with the comments – the stares – the outright rudeness of some people when our children with autism might act “different” than others while out in public. Or even at family/friend functions. How do you handle the questions, the comments. How do you not feel like crying when someone is mean to your child?

It really is one of the hardest parts of autism to handle. Just being a parent makes you want to protect your children from mean people. Add in the autism (cause, you know, someone different either brings out the best or the worst in people) and it can be so tough. And, unfortunately, it seems the mean people always find you on days where you are already stressed and near tears. The holiday season just adds more stress and more opportunities for those “helpful” people to make you want to cry and never leave home again.

Don’t let them do that to you! Your family has just as much right to be at every activity as everyone else. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, you will get mad. Yes, you will cry. And yes – you will eventually develop a thick skin and will learn to let those comments roll off your skin. You will also learn to give a death stare to people. Most people will look away quickly once they realize you overheard their nastiness and don’t care. Besides, you can always hope karma gets them later. (yeah, maybe not the nicest thing to think, but…. it’s better than smacking them yourself!)

So back to our meeting. I felt so bad for one young mom. She has a little guy (that’s his picture with the blog) and took him to a Christmas activity. It was crowded and overwhelming. This poor mom heard the comments about her sweet little boy. Instead of helping her – or encouraging her for being brave enough to try – people weren’t kind. She took her son and went home ready to cry. Her comment was she thought she would just stay home from now on. Been there, felt that so often. I’ve cried leaving places. I’ve cried once I got us all safely home and could hide from the kids. I’ve ranted to myself. It took years, but I have that tough skin.

It’s rare now that someone’s comments get to me. It does still happen, though. Not as bad as it used to – and usually, if a comment hurts me, it comes from someone that I never expect to make such a comment. It takes longer to develop that thick skin around family and friends, but your first priority is always your child. Some families take a little longer to learn how amazing your child is.

Another mom and I shared that we knew how these young moms felt. We understood how hard it is to let the world see your child and not know if the world will love and accept him/her or will be cruel. We also know it’s important for your child to be able to explore the world. You will never know what your child might like if you don’t try. It may take several tries before you know for sure. It might mean you try and then wait a long time to try again. Only you will know, but – don’t let the rude idiots of the world scare you into staying home.

I’ve lost my temper with a few people who made comments about Casey and Rob. I’ve (not my finest moment) yelled at people in stores. I’ve stopped moms and embarrassed them by telling them what little jerks their children were to mine. I’ve developed a death glare for those that I catch staring. I’ve ignored some people. I’ve replied to some comments by saying “Thank you for showing me there are worse things in the world than autism. My child could be rude and mean like you.”

Remember, I’ve been doing this for more than 30 years. It takes a long time to learn to ignore what other people say and think. You will get there, though. Keep trying new things. Meet new people. Learn to glare. Learn to stand up to bullies. Remember that no one’s opinion really matters. You can do this. I’m sure of it.

If all else fails, ask a veteran autism parent to go places with you. You can learn from the best. 🙂

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Autism and Making New Christmas Traditions

Autism and Making New Christmas Traditions

So many wonderful Christmas traditions involve large, loud gatherings or crowds at stores. When you have someone with autism, those are definitely not places you want to be (well, you want to be there, but it’s not always possible!). Sensory meltdowns are real and can ruin a day quicker than almost anything.

We never had huge holiday parties. My family is small and everyone understood if Rob or Casey needed to run upstairs to my or my brother’s old bedrooms for some quiet. So telling people we weren’t coming to their party wasn’t an issue when Casey and Rob were little. It’s actually more of a problem now. People just don’t seem to understand that just because they are adults, the autism didn’t go away. They still have the same needs – they are just more capable of handling sensory needs now. But – that took us years of practice, years of finding what they needed, and years of hiding from the world.

We started our own traditions. I absolutely love holidays and birthdays and always want them to be special. I had to figure out how to give each of the kids a special time – within their abilities. It wasn’t always easy, but I think I managed to do it. Now, Casey and Rob are both more willing to try new places (especially if Mandy and Cory are with us!) but we still need to be aware that crowds will get to Rob quickly. And that noises (like fire trucks in a parade) are painful to both of them. She is okay, usually, with temperatures, but he gets hot easily.

A crowded mall to see Santa is not an option for us. Luckily, Casey got to see him in the parade and – this completely amazed her – when we went to a local light show, Santa was sitting in a sleigh at the end. And – he knew her name! He waved and said, “Hi Casey! Hi Rob!” She couldn’t stop smiling and giggled the rest of the evening because he knew her and he said hi! (I’m fairly certain Rob knew why Santa knew her name, but he didn’t ruin it for her!)

Casey is like me and loves all things holiday. (as a side note, I have to mark out all of the holidays that calendars have printed in them because she wants to celebrate them all!) She has been wearing Christmas shirts since the day after Thanksgiving and is dropping hints that she doesn’t have enough of them. Her calendar is full of Christmas things to do – bake cookies, see a movie, several light shows, go shopping. The list in her head is long and she wants it all to happen. Luckily, none of it is impossible and Rob is willing to do most of it, too. (He likes making ornaments, but he’s a one and done kinda guy!)

Look near you for drive thru light displays. There are so many near us that we rotate each year. And – they aren’t expensive – even better! Plus, the drive thru ones let your child feel safe while the rest of you can enjoy the displays. Check local zoos for sensory days. The zoo we went to last week has a huge light display and several days throughout the season are designated as sensory friendly. The music is turned down and all flashing strobe lights are turned off. Most places do something similar.

Many malls offer a sensory friendly Santa visit, too. If your mall doesn’t, ask if you can schedule a time for your child to meet Santa outside of his usual spot where the crowd may be thinner and there will be less noise. Again, most places are happy to accommodate your child’s needs – but you have to ask.

If you are invited to a party and want to take your child, just explain your needs to the hostess/host. Again, most people are happy to help – they just don’t know what you need until you ask for it. And if someone doesn’t want your child there, do you really want to be there? I sure don’t. We are a package deal. 🙂 (not that there aren’t times you need to go places alone to get a breather – I mean, do you want to be around someone who doesn’t accept your child?)

Or better yet – start your own party traditions. You can keep it small or invite the whole town. Rob and Casey never minded how many people were here because their rooms were off limits to guests – they always had their safe place to go to. (Again – your child may be different. I can think of three or four young adults I know that would hate having their home invaded by guests!)

My point is – your Christmas doesn’t have to look like mine or your neighbor’s or the rest of your family to be an absolutely amazing, magical time. People seem to spend too much time comparing their lives to others and feeling bad when they aren’t “keeping up.” But – did you ever think that other people may feel they aren’t keeping up with you? Yes, your life with autism may be a lot different, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t an awesome life. You don’t know what others are thinking – be proud of your family’s uniqueness! Flaunt it. Wake up the world!

Find the Christmas traditions that work for you. Big, little or no party. Shopping online or in stores. Visit holiday events or watch them on TV. Our lives are special and any tradition you decide will be special, too, because it’s completely right for your family. As so many other people are running around like crazy trying to do everything and find the perfect gifts, you will be home quietly watching a Christmas movie in your PJ’s and drinking hot chocolate. Autism doesn’t ruin holidays – it can make them even more special.

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Autism and the Wild and Wonderful Holiday Season

Autism and the Wild and Wonderful Holiday Season

The holiday season is full of so many fun and amazing events, but for those of us with a special needs family member, it might not be the kind of excitement you think of. It can be a painful, stressful and scary time for those with sensory needs or the need to keep a set routine. Even school schedules change during this month! And, as we all know, if autism makes life difficult for one, it affects every one in the family.

The holiday season is the time to relax your standards and focus on having fun with your child – whatever that fun might be. Whether you are able to visit Christmas light displays or special holiday events at your local library is something only you will know. I would also encourage you to try new things, but to be okay if it doesn’t work out. Stop in a party for 5 minutes. Go to a candle lighting. Go to a parade. The thing is – you never know when your child will surprise you with a new skill or ability to go somewhere.

If you know your child can’t handle the change in routine or the noise of going somewhere, plan special things at home. Make a mess making cookies or have a family movie night. All of my kids used to love bringing sleeping bags and pillows into the living room and watching a movie together. Each of them got to request a special snack for the movie and they slept in the living room together when the movie was over.

Try to create a special ornament. If you aren’t crafty, or your child has fine motor troubles, look for a craft kit that has everything you need. There are so many options of ones that are foams pieces that are stickers. All you have to do is peel the back and let your child create special gifts for everyone. These are pretty reasonably priced, too! Or you can mix up salt dough and let your child squeeze and mold whatever they like. Both of these activities offer occupational therapy benefits, too!

Make a paper chain to help your child understand how long it will be before Santa comes. Or how long he/she will be out of school. Again, let your child help! I know it’s easier to do it yourself, but your child needs to try – and needs you to encourage him/her that they can do anything they want. Some stores sell paper strips that have a sticky spot on one end to make the loops.

The whole point is to make your holiday a happy one – one that is perfect for your family. It may not look like the “picture perfect” one that Hallmark promotes, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be amazing. Instead of thinking about all you might be missing, think of what you may be missing that you didn’t want to do anyway. Business party? sorry – no one to stay with my child with autism. Extended family party (you know – the ones where you only see these people at Christmas) – sorry, it’s too loud for my little one. (And – you also get to avoid those family members who want to tell you everything you are doing wrong for your child!)

While a lot of what I’m sharing here is things to do at home, I really do encourage you to take your child new places. Trust me – I know the stares you may get are hard to handle, but really – what does it matter what those people think? I’m sure every single person who makes a negative comment about your child has something about them that you could comment on. It takes a while, but after so many years, I honestly couldn’t care less about what people are thinking or saying. It’s their problem, not mine. And if I’m trying to help Casey or Rob, I don’t let anyone distract me from that.

If you are new to the autism journey, you may feel that you will never be able to handle the stares or comments, but you will. You’ll develop a thick skin and a look that could kill a snack. Go out and enjoy everything the holiday season has to offer you and your child. Plan for short trips and stay as long as you are all happy and comfortable! You can do it and your child will learn and adapt. Sometimes, it takes years, sometimes, you will be surprised. Don’t let autism rob you of a wonderful Christmas season!