It’s going to happen. As a parent, there will be times that a thought crosses your mind and you feel as if someone kicked you in the gut. The thought takes your breath away – you can’t get it out of your mind. It might be that your child is leaving for college or getting married. But, when you are an autism parent, those kick in the gut moments come out of the blue – and they hurt.
I had one of these moments yesterday and had a good cry. I don’t want to get into a lot of details (though maybe I should so people will understand their actions hurt). I was reminded again that people are scared of Rob. I get it – he’s tall and he’s big. But, he’s also a huge teddy bear and as mellow as anyone can be. I’m assuming that’s why he scares people. But – it hurts this momma to hear it.
I just want people to give him a chance. He gets anxious and it is assumed he doesn’t like someone or something. Just give him a chance to explore the new place or to get to know you. Honestly, it won’t take him long to know whether he wants to be around you. Casey and Rob both sense the “true” person that we often try to keep hidden. If Rob doesn’t like you, he will just act as if you don’t exist. He won’t attack. He won’t hurt you. Give him time to show you how awesome and amazing he truly is. Please.
Honestly, Casey is more likely to get upset than Rob. She doesn’t get upset often, but when she does, the whole neighborhood knows it. And she doesn’t care if she is at home or in a store – when she is mad, she lets everyone know. But because many of the staff at their day hab are new, they haven’t seen this side of Casey – they have only seen the sweet, beautiful smile and the young lady who loves to go anywhere and try anything. They have seen Rob anxious, though, and that’s what they remember.
Many autism parents have come to terms with the fact their child may never get married or have children. They may understand that holding a job might be difficult. They know their child may live with them forever. The thing is – even if their young person has a job and gets married, there are still mean people in the world who can hurt someone without thinking twice and the autism parent feels another kick in the gut. Their child may want a friend – or to be invited to a party – or a job – or a place to live on their own. After all, their older siblings have all of those things – why can’t they? And those questions will bring on the tears again. No matter how many times you think you are done crying, something will happen and bring on the tears.
Maybe the fact that I have a hard time letting new people around Casey and Rob is part of the problem. I just don’t trust easily – no parent with a child who can’t communicate does, in my experience. I want them to meet new people – I just want to meet these people first.
I know that I’m luckier than many autism parents. Casey and Rob are happy with their lives and don’t seem to think too much about Mandy getting married or having her own house. They don’t seem to think about not having a huge group of friends their age. They are happy with their Elmos and signs and socks and cards. They are happy that they get to spend time with Mandy and Cory, Grandma and Grandpa and Tracie and several others.
I feel for the parents who have children with autism who can communicate – who know they are different and don’t like it. It has to be devastating to try to explain to your child that other people won’t be their friend because of autism. Or that they can’t have the job they want because that employer won’t give them a chance. Or that it isn’t safe for them to live on their own.
I know there are more kick in the gut moments in our future. Every life has those moments. I just wish those moments didn’t come because someone wouldn’t give Casey or Rob a chance to show how awesome they are. That is the hardest thing for me – knowing someone only sees “autism” when they look at Casey and Rob and not the amazing individual who just happens to see the world in a different way.
Get to know them. Please.