Grandma, Grandpa and Kids with Special Needs

As parents, we worry all of the time about our kids.  We worry about their health, their education, their friends.  When you have a child with special needs, those worries don’t necessarily increase, but they do change.  But what if it’s your grandchildren?  The worries are doubled because you are worrying about your children and your grandchildren.

In some families, grandparents know how to “fix” the child with autism.  As scary as it sounds, the old fashioned theory is that autism can be spanked out of a child.  If the parents would just use firmer discipline or give the child a good old fashioned spanking, the autism would be gone.  There are still a few of these people around – I’ve met them.

Often, people with this attitude are older and grew up a long time before there were special education classes.  In those days, children who were different were kept home or institutionalized.  Just because I can justify why they might think discipline will “fix” a child doesn’t mean I agree with it at all.

One of my grandmas passed away before Casey was born.  My other grandparents were in their late 80’s before she came.  While both of them loved and doted on her, Grandpa and Casey had a special relationship.  Even when she couldn’t talk to him, he sat and cuddled with her or made faces at her in a mirror to make her laugh.  When we got the diagnosis of autism, he said it didn’t matter.  To be honest, I wasn’t sure Grandpa knew what a diagnosis of autism meant (like I knew, either!) but he still saw the beautiful little girl he loved, not that something was “wrong” with her.  I remember talking to Grandma one day about autism and wondering what I was going to do.  She smiled at me and said, “Jennifer, you are going to love her.”

Simple words – and so much truth!  When the bad days happen and you feel like you can’t handle autism anymore, there are only two things you need to do – take slow, deep breaths and love your child.  One small step at a time, your day will get better.  Sometimes, the blackest days are just before blue skies.

I’ve often wondered how my parents handle having special needs grandkids.  Of their 5 grandchildren, two have autism and one has cerebral palsy.  So they worry about Casey, Rob and Lacey, (and Mandy and Anna!) but I know that they worry about my brother, Jeff, and me is just as strong.  I tell them not to worry, but it doesn’t matter.  That’s what parents do, after all.

I don’t want to think about the number of times that I’ve called them and was crying so hard that I couldn’t talk.  I know how desperately worried I was when Mandy called from Texas crying – I can’t imagine living with the constant worry my parents do.  When I needed to talk to mom or dad, I would try so hard to calm down before I called, but just the sound of their voice would make me cry again.  Sometimes, you just need to hear mom and dad’s voice, you know!

Whether I called because I was angry about services or insurance or schools or just because I was so tired I couldn’t think straight, mom and dad listened until no more words would come.  They couldn’t fix anything.  All they could do was love me and let me cry.  I hate seeing my kids cry – the pain of watching your children and grandchildren must be a hundred times worse.

My parents are also great at making me stop and consider just how bad things really are.  Many times, after talking to them, I am calm enough to realize that the “most terrible day ever” will be funny in a few days… or weeks… or maybe never, but the day will end.  Their faith is strong enough for all of us.

Of course, some of my “emergencies” made them laugh – after making sure we were all ok.  I remember one call I made – poor dad happened to answer the phone.  When the kids were little, I enjoyed entering baked goods in our county fair and had just made the most beautiful peach pie you can imagine.  I was so excited – I knew I had a real chance at a ribbon.  I sat the pie on the cooling rack and went to the bathroom – and Casey cut the pie!   I was so mad (she didn’t even like peach pie!) and then so upset because I couldn’t make another one.  So I did what I always do – call mom and dad.  I’m sure Dad thought someone had died because I was crying so hard.  When he heard that all I wanted was a can of peaches, I’m sure he wanted to reach through the phone and smack me for scaring them, but instead, he did what my parents always do – he brought me what I needed.

I know that my kids have come as far as they have because, even when I wanted to give up, my parents wouldn’t let me.  They gave me strength when I didn’t have any – and a kick in the butt, if I needed that.  I wish all kids had grandparents who did this, but I know it isn’t always possible.  If your kids have grandparents that can’t love them unconditionally, it’s up to you to protect your kids from their negativity.  It won’t be easy, but your parents don’t need your protection – your kids do.  Life is hard enough without feeling as though they aren’t good enough for their grandparents.

As parents, we may have had to change the dreams we had for our special needs kids, but we still dream for them. Maybe some grandparents need time to change their dreams, too.  My dreams are simpler now – even for Mandy.  I dream for them a life that makes them happy, a circle of support that love them as much as I do and a faith strong enough to withstand the crap that the world tosses at us at times.