I follow several Facebook pages of parents with kids with autism. Some are just starting their journey and some have an adult child, like me. The other day, I read a post by one of the mom’s that really got to me.
She was venting because another autism mom attacked her for being happy that the spring break was over and her son was back in school. She was amazed that anyone, especially someone who has a child with autism, could be upset with her because she was happy to be back in their routine.
The other mom said the break was “only” two weeks – what kind of parent can’t handle being around their child for only two weeks? She went so far as to say the mom should be ashamed of herself for wanting to be away from her child.
I posted a reaction – anger. My response was simple – every parent, regardless of whether their child has special needs or not, is ready to get back in the routine after a long break. Any parent who says they never need a break from their kids is lying – to themselves or you. We all need a break – from the kids, from our spouse, from our jobs. Autism just makes it that much harder.
And, even more important, that mom had no idea what the other home was like. She might be lucky enough to have an “easy” (is there such a thing??) child with autism, but none of us know what others’ lives are like. As much as I share with my autism mom friends, they don’t know what it’s like in my house, day after day. They can imagine, just like everyone else. And, while I may have a good idea of what their lives are like, I really don’t.
I can picture what it’s like having a child who is blind with autism. I can try to imagine what it’s like to live with a child who may become violent. I can try to imagine conversations with a high-functioning teenager. They can try to picture my life with two moderately affected young adults. It just doesn’t work.
So why do parents judge each other? We are all in this together. What good does it do anyone to toss negative comments around? We all have to deal with enough negativity with the rest of the world. We need to let go of the whole judging thing.
I’ll admit – I’ve thought before that someone is handling a situation in a way I wouldn’t. I can say I would “never” do something – but I’m not in that home. There is no way I could possibly know what those parents go through every day. Have I thought people were crazy to do things they do? Sure – as I’m sure people have thought the same about me. I’m ok with that – some days, I’m sure I’m crazy.
You wouldn’t tell a typical parent how to raise their child. Why would you try to tell a special needs parent what they are doing wrong? Why would you attack someone for voicing their feelings? Sure, you can say you would feel differently, but don’t make anyone feel bad because they don’t do things your way.
It’s impossible for anyone to know the journey we’ve walked. Even the people who were right there with me, but didn’t live in the house, can’t always know it all. I’ve always been open to hearing the ideas that other people have, but I don’t think I should be made to feel bad if I don’t follow all of their advice. I know Casey and Rob better than anyone (except Mandy!) and I’ll always do what I think is right for them. It may not be what other parents would do, but so what? Other parents are not my responsibility. It really is that simple.
I feel so bad for parents who are truly doing the best they can that are getting ridiculed or judged by other parents. News flash – none of us are perfect – we are all stumbling through this journey as best we can, just like every other parent in the world. Instead of offering judgment, why not offer an ear? a hug?
My rant is over. I just hate to hear about parents getting attacked for sharing their feelings. If we can’t share online, somewhat anonymously, then how can we share with our friends? I want my friends to know that even if I don’t feel the same as they do, I’ll always be here to listen. I won’t have the answers they need, but I can offer a hug or a shoulder to lean on.