Yes – you read that right. I’m looking for the perfect autism parent. I want to find one who has never made a mistake – never second guessed themselves – never wished for a minute of quiet – never yelled – never cried. Come on – everyone stand up. I want to see just where these perfect parents are. You know – the ones who judge all other parents. The perfect ones.
This has been a tough few weeks for people with autism – adults and children. An adult was held by police officers because he “refused” to tell them his name. He had wandered away from his group, gotten upset and someone called the police, thinking he was on drugs, as he was rocking and twitching. A child was lost and later found, thankfully, with the family dogs watching over him. Another child was killed by his mother. Another child was “rehomed” (yeah, that’s the word they used.) Another child is still lost. And those are just the few I’ve heard of.
But – the common thing in every post is the “perfect” ones saying they do not understand how the child got away – don’t the parents watch him? Why didn’t the parents make sure the adult had an ID on him? Didn’t they consider this could happen? How could a mother drown her child? How could parents give away a child they adopted because he was too difficult? The endless questions – the accusations.
I’ll admit – I was floored by the parents who broadcast to everyone they “rehomed” the child they had adopted when it became difficult. And I was sick to hear about the mom that drowned her son. I can’t imagine. I just can’t imagine being so desperate that ending a child’s life seems like the best course of action. (My guess is they will discover mom has mental issues, but who knows?)
As the for family that gave away their son… I pray that little boy has found a family that loves him and will do anything for him. Personally, I suspect the adoption and the “rehoming” were part of a publicity trick for them, but I don’t know that. It’s only my opinion.
But Facebook pages blew up when it was announced. People were accusing them of many things and many were saying, “I would never…..” The thing is – you can say that, but you aren’t in their shoes. You have no idea what you would do under the same circumstances. You can believe what you want – but you don’t live in their shoes. You may think they are disgusting humans for what they did and that’s okay. But, instead of blasting them on Facebook – why not just pray for the little boy?
Instead of tearing up a parent who lost their child, why not consider that it may happen to you! I’ve “lost” Rob several times. Thankfully, he was always around the house or the yard, but I would blink and he was gone. He was sitting on the edge of the roof once (scaffolding was up for the guys putting the new roof on). He was laying down on scaffolding once and never made a sound as we ran around yelling his name.
He pushed the mattress on Mandy’s bed away from the wall a few inches, squeezed himself into the space, covered up and went to sleep. He grabbed his bat and ball and crossed the street to play ball with other boys on the ball field. Let me be clear – I was close by every single time. I would turn to help Casey and he would vanish. I thank God every day that he never vanished when we were away from home. (Honestly, though, I usually had a death grip on both he and Casey).
We need to stop criticizing other parents. If someone asks you for help or for ideas, by all means, share them. But you can do it in a nice way. You don’t have to be critical of what they have been doing. Be nice. It’s that simple.
I’m sure other people have comments about me telling the kids they need to head to bed at 9:30 each night. After all, they are adults and should be able to make that decision on their own. I know that – and I feel guilty that I don’t let them stay up. But, I’ll be honest. I need that time for me. I hate to admit it, but I do. I need Rob to have time to settle down before he needs to be asleep. Casey needs to stay on her routine. And they both need to learn other people do need to sleep. They need to understand that after dark is quiet time. Sleep has been an issue for both of them at different times. I refuse to go back to those times. I was a walking, talking, crazy, sleep deprived, half human mom. For the good of all of us, they need to sleep.
But, yeah, I do feel the guilt. I don’t need someone who doesn’t live here or doesn’t have any idea what we’ve been through to tell me I should let them stay up until they want to go to bed. I will be nice the first time I’m told. I won’t be nice the second time. You have had your warning. I promise you – I am harder on myself than you could ever be.
Every one of us can say “I would never….” to any circumstance. And maybe you wouldn’t. But why hurt a devastated parent by tearing them down? It serves no purpose, unless maybe to make you feel as if you are a better parent. I try hard not to judge others for their parenting mistakes. Like I said, I’ve made more than a few, with all three kids. Some of those mistakes are funny, now – some aren’t. The times I screamed back at Casey for hours of headbanging and screaming are moments that break my heart. I kept control as long as I could, but there were a few times that the endless screaming just got to me. Maybe I thought, foolishly, that if I yelled back at her I could get her attention. (for the record – that never works.)
So, please, the next time you hear about a child who wandered away, pray for their safe return. If you want to mumble your thoughts to yourself, fine, but you don’t have to take to social media to spread more hurt and anger. With everything that is happening in our world right now – the riots, the racism, the negative attitude towards police officers – do we really need more hurt and pain?
We strive to teach our children to be kind – to be nice. We teach that everyone can be friends. People with autism have the biggest, most loving hearts – maybe we should all take a lesson from them and learn to love everyone. No judgement, no hatred, no negativity. Just kindness. That’s what we want for our kids, right? A kinder, happier world? Where they are loved and accepted for exactly who they are?
Change starts with us. We can make the world what we want it to be. Be kind. Be safe.