Usually, I have a pretty good idea of what I want to write about a few days before I sit down to write this blog. This week has been so crazy that I’ve jumped from idea to idea and none are working. So, for something different, I thought I would share some thoughts I had about autism and our lives.
Autism thought #1. Full moons are beautiful. I love sitting on the porch steps and looking up at this perfect circle and imaging all sorts of thoughts. I also hate full moons! I dread them with a passion because I never know if this will be a good moon or a bad one. This one was not good. We felt the affects all week and while they are subsiding a little, I can still hear/see the anxiety in both kids. Rob has been loud and anxious most days and Casey is on edge. Thankfully, we’ve made it this far with no major behavior issues.
Autism thought #2. Rob is still surprising me nearly every day with a new skill or ability to try something new. He is enjoying more activities at the workshop and has more patience to be in new places. Today, we went to my aunt’s house to pick up several things and he wandered around her yard like he had been there a million times. He never sang his stress song and he even helped load the bricks into the car. (He did, however, freeze at the sight of a huge cricket on the brick he was holding. Thank Mandy for that! 🙂 )
Autism thought #3. I don’t understand selfish people. I don’t understand how people can put their own wants above their child’s needs – especially a child who doesn’t understand why things are happening the way they are. Selfish people are one of my biggest pet peeves and I’m getting irritated just thinking about it. How can parents explain things to children they barely understand themselves?
Autism thought #4. I wish the kids were able to tell me what they are feeling. Maybe I’m getting too worried about selfish people when Casey and Rob really don’t care. And Rob was rubbing at his ear again the other day – does he have another ear infection coming on? (he had one right before camp and he was able to tell me it hurt and he needed Dr. Myers.) Casey is so on edge – if I knew what she was feeling, maybe I could help!
Autism thought #5. I wish – and I mean, really, really wish – that Casey’s memory wasn’t as good as it is. She can remember things from before she was a year old. (When asked what happened on March 22, 1988, she said “got born, got cold, cried.”) She remembers what day we do things and used to expect the same thing to happen the following year. For a long time, she got really upset if we didn’t follow the same dates, but now, she just reminds me. Over and over and over. On this day last year, we went to a state park near us and went swimming. So, she was insisting we do that today, too. Luckily, going to my aunt’s house made her happy. But I know I’ll be hearing “Salt Fork, Salt Fork” many times until we finally make the trip.
Autism thought #6. How weird is it that I’m thinking of finding someone I know, but the kids don’t to see if they will leave with a stranger? This has been weighing on my mind a lot lately. I hear of so many kids that are taken and it makes me sick. Several months ago, Casey and a group of friends were followed in our local Walmart and then to another store. Luckily, the staff that was with them noticed and kept the girls together until another staff member got there. (the men were driving a windowless van and left when the male staff arrived.) It scares the hell out of me. Most of me thinks they would ignore strangers, but what if that person said they had French fries? or a coloring book? I just want to know if I’m worrying too much. I’m sure if a person tried to grab them, the fight would be on, but if they just talked to them, Casey and Rob might walk with them. (Not that they are ever alone in a store, but if one wanders off while I’m helping the other?)
Autism thought #7. I feel guilty. I don’t think I do enough with the kids at times. While most of the time, I know this isn’t true, I wonder. Casey would love to travel more, but Rob wouldn’t. The effort to balance both their needs is exhausting at times and adds more guilt that I really don’t need to feel.
Autism thought #8. I’m tired. Lately, I’ve had a hard time relaxing – I always feel like I need to be doing something. I have a list of things I wanted to get finished this summer and I feel like I’m running out of time. I’ve missed yoga and working out just to work on another project. Late last week, I decided enough was enough. I left everything alone on the list and worked out. Then I did yoga – and I felt amazing. Relaxed. I really need to stop running around and feeling like I’m accomplishing nothing. One thing at a time and no more trying to do a million things at once.
Autism thought #9. Blue (our new black lab puppy) was a good choice. She wants to play with the kids, but seems to understand they aren’t like me. I took her to the kids’ workshop the other day, fully expecting her to be wild (she loves attention!) but I was surprised! When some people pet her, she wiggled and was her usual self. When others, who had more physical issues, wanted to pet her, she lay still in my arms or stretched to lay her head on their arm or shoulder. She sensed what they needed.
Have a wonderful, full-moon-less week! 🙂
You need to get rid of the quilt thing! You do lots of things with the kids. I think they are happy to do their own thing after getting home from the workshop most days. You know how you feel when you get home from work—you just want to relax. Besides, they go many places at the workshop each week. And there’s not much you can do about selfish people, they want to do what THEY want to do, they think of themselves before anyone else.
I know. But it just hits some days. Especially when Casey wants to go go go!