This is such a busy time of year for everyone and, unfortunately, all of the craziness can be especially hard on the families who live with autism every day. Now is the time for each of us to practice patience and acceptance even more than we usually do. Here are some ideas to help everyone have a more Merry Christmas.
Please, if you are having a party, do invite the family with autism. True, they may not come, but just being invited means so much to us! Life is tough enough without sitting home and knowing that others just don’t want your family at an event. Invite them – and be ready to accept them into your home!
Be understanding if they bring their own food for their little one. Picky eaters don’t become “non-picky” just because it’s a party. Don’t be insulted if they bring snacks – it isn’t meant to be that way. It just makes having fun easier when they know their child has something to eat.
Perhaps you could light fewer scented candles. The smells of the party guests (perfumes, colognes, etc) will be strong enough for anyone with a hypersensitive sense of smell. If you have a place, maybe you could prepare a quiet spot for your guests. It can be an empty room or just a spot in the corner for them to feel safe.
Speak to the child with autism! Just say “hi” and smile. You can’t imagine how happy you will make the parents by simply saying hi. So many times, our kids aren’t spoken to because they may not answer. So what? Say hi anyway. The child will know you spoke – and may even say a quiet hi back!
If you are buying a gift for the person with autism, talk to the parents first. An adult with autism may still love child’s toys – like Casey with her Sesame Street friends. Now isn’t the time to “force” the person to be an adult. Buy what they like and enjoy the smiles when they open your gift. As I’ve said before – Casey and Rob are getting some odd things for Christmas (think bubble wrap and children’s toys) but I don’t care. I can’t wait to see their excitement Christmas morning, after they see what Santa brought.
Be sensitive to a family’s traditions. Casey still believes in Santa and I don’t want anyone telling her different. She can’t wait to hear sleigh bells Christmas Eve and pretend to be asleep so Santa will stop at our house.
Be understanding of the over-excited child at a parade or school function. Most people seem to assume the child is being a “brat” and that parents can’t or won’t control him/her. You may simply be seeing a child with sensory issues. And if you do happen to see a child (or adult!) having a meltdown, don’t judge. Offer the parent a smile and help, but remember, we deal with this every day and don’t be insulted if we decline the offer.
Parents- you know your child best. I know not to take Rob into crowds for too long or his anxiety will ruin the day for all of us. He doesn’t enjoy parties and even at our family dinner, he will join us for short periods of time, but he also stretches out in my brother’s old room for some peace and quiet. And that’s ok. Casey is always right in the thick of things, but once her plan has been finished (eat then presents) she just sits and watches the silliness. She will join in games, sometimes, but others, she just watches and laughs.
While Rob is a picky eater, I don’t have to take anything special for him to eat. He likes ham and rolls, so he nibbles on those and disappears upstairs again. He likes to open presents, but when he’s done, off he goes again.
If there is something special Casey wants to do, I’ll find someone to take her or someone to stay with Rob so I can take her. She loves going to see “The Nutcracker” every year when my niece, Anna, is dancing, but Rob won’t even consider it.
I have a hard time with this, but I’ll share my advice with you. Parents, it’s ok to do things without your child. I always hate feeling like I’m leaving them out, but it’s ok that I want to enjoy things without worrying about their needs. Maybe one of your holiday traditions can be a dinner and movie without the kids. Or just a drive around to see the light displays. It’s hard to leave them, but it’s ok.
When you are taking your child to a new place, take whatever they might need to enjoy it with you. Pack a bag of snacks or fidgets or whatever they like. If they are happy and relaxed, you will all have more fun. Who cares what others think? Even parents of “typical” kids are giving them iPads or cell phones to entertain them while waiting – why shouldn’t you do the same?
Expect that your child might be “off” for a few weeks. When Casey was little, December was not a good month at all. The meltdowns and screams were terrible. It wasn’t until she was older that we discovered why. She was never sure she had been “good” so Santa would stop. She knew how upsetting her meltdowns were to me and was worried Santa would think she was bad. It was heartbreaking for me to discover that. She was (and still is!) such a literal thinker. Good or bad – there was no middle ground.
As for us, we are excitedly waiting for Santa to bring some unusual gifts our way. We are singing Christmas songs and planning a big day of baking soon. We still have some gifts to finish creating (aren’t those the best kind?) and Christmas movies to watch. We have Christmas socks (imagine that!) and Christmas shirts (with Rob saying “no fanks, please, mommy Jen”) and are counting the days till we are all together at my parent’s house.
I hope each of you can find the peace and joy of the season amid the chaos of autism. Enjoy every special moment that is unique to your family!
Well of course! Another insightful letter, again with or without autism to think about. Sometimes get togethers, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas are tough on many young and old. Too close, too crowded, too loud, many smells (Oh, well you know), food, cologne and such. This can get to be too much for the senses as you said Jen. Sometimes it gets too “people-y” for me. Thanks Jen for more education for all. Merry Christmas.