Happy Mother’s Day, to all the awesome autism moms! The one day of the year when you get to sit down, relax, have a cup of coffee (or a can of coke or glass of wine!), read a book, take a nap or watch an entire movie. Wait – why are you laughing? Honestly, I couldn’t even type that with a straight face.
To be honest, I had a completely different thought in mind for this blog earlier today and it just wouldn’t come out the way I wanted it to. I decided to give up on it for a while and went to celebrate Mother’s Day and my brother’s birthday with family. The cookout was going to be at a pond on the family farm. I wasn’t worried about either of my kids going into the water (as much as Rob loves water, he won’t get his shoes wet – and so far, he isn’t willing to go barefoot at all!) but I was worried about keeping him entertained and not getting into everything or singing his stress song at the top of his voice.
As soon as we pulled in, they both jumped out of the car and ran to the gathering. Rob was amazed to see the dock over the water and immediately sat down to watch the water. He was even more excited to see my niece and her cousin in a paddle boat and I knew he wanted to go for a ride. He didn’t say anything about it, though, so I let him watch until after we had eaten. The roughest part of the evening was his discovery of a pile of magazines he was bound and determined to get.
I told him no magazines. He tried to “sneak” past me. (He doesn’t seem to realize his sneaking skills are severely lacking – and he’s 5’10”!) So I used my stern mommy voice and said no magazines, yes boat ride. That finally got through to him, but he was still thinking about them. We got him into the paddle boat and within a few seconds, I could see his anxiety levels dropping. He paddled as hard as he could and then just stopped and we floated. He put his fingers in the water and talked about fish and turtles. I was shocked that he put his hands in!
It was as we were floating around that it occurred to me what I really wanted to say today. What other people might see as little victories mean the world to me – and to every other mom (and anyone who loves someone with special needs!). That’s what I want you all to celebrate today! Yes, your life may be harder than someone else’s – but it isn’t as hard as other people’s. There are times I get so tired of doing baths/showers every night and I get grouchy about it. But – then I think of the people who have to use lifts to get their loved one into a bath, if they can even do that. I think of the parents who would love to be giving their child a bath every night, but can’t. It’s all in perspective.
Give yourself permission to be whiny at times. We all do it, but the guilt autism moms (and dads!) feel at being tired of things keeps us from talking about it. Talk about it, anyway. Brag to everyone about the smallest steps forward your loved one makes – if someone isn’t excited for you, ignore them and brag to someone else! You have every right to brag, too! You are a proud autism mommy – show the world!
When I share our story, I try to tell you how our lives really are. Casey and Rob have had so many issues they had to deal with as children – and as adults. I don’t sugar coat anything. For a while, life was hell. Some days, Casey screamed the day away. I couldn’t figure out how to help her – and how to be a good mommy for Mandy and Rob, too. I hated that I wasn’t a good enough mom to know what to do for her. I hated that I had to depend on a doctor that was two hours away to help me with ideas and medications. But – look at her, now!
I write to give each of you hope. Our kids change quickly – and we may never know why. I’m still trying to figure out the changes in Rob, though I’ve mostly decided to just love every minute of it! We went to Prom last Friday and he is smiling in nearly every picture – even wearing a shirt with sleeves! He danced the Twist with us and tried the Cotton-Eyed Joe. The moment that brought tears to my eyes was when he slow danced with me, then Mandy. He put his hands on my shoulders and swayed back and forth. It’s the first time he’s ever shown any interest.
Instead of wildly dancing (by that I mean she runs back and forth like a deer – flying low and leaping), Casey stayed right with Mandy and I and she danced like we were. She tried to follow the line dances (she doesn’t know right from left, no does she care!) and mimicked what we did. Another proud autism mom moment. And that’s what my Mother’s Day is about. Quick, fleeting moments that may not mean anything to other people, but that mean to world to me.
Rob let his fingers touch the water. Casey sat politely and waited her turn to fix her plate at supper. Rob rubbed the dog’s head. Casey played in the gravel and watched the little boys with a smile on her face. He paddled a boat and looked for turtles. She got in the boat, even when she was scared of the water. They both said good bye and thank you as we left. Little moments.
I hope each of you enjoyed little moments in your day. I was lucky enough to have all of my kids with me at lunch – to see my parents, my brother and his family, and my extended family. I hope that each of you has a big support system that you can rely on. I know that isn’t always possible, but remember that even if your “family” isn’t around or can’t understand, others will be willing to help you. Family isn’t defined by blood – it’s those people who walk into your life and never leave.
So -Happy Mother’s Day to all the autism moms out there. And to the dads who are doing both roles – and the grandparents. Today is a day to celebrate little victories and all of your hard work in those small, huge steps. I hope you get plenty of hugs – no matter how you get hugs! They might be tight bear hugs, or forehead to forehead, or light squeezes, or just a lean. However your child shares love – enjoy every precious moment!
Beautiful. For ALL moms.