When you have a child with autism, fear is never far from your mind. Fear for their safety. Fear they will need something and not be able to communicate that need. Fear they will be teased. Fear they will be lonely. The list goes on and on. But, despite the fears, you have to let them go. You have to let them try new things, go new places, meet new people. Will it always be a good experience? Probably not… but you have to let go.
One of the pages I follow just had a post from a mom who is upset that her son’s teacher wants to transition him to another class. She is actually pretty mad about it. She thinks her son is not ready and is not telling everyone how much he is regressing, despite glowing reports from his therapists and aide. She asked for help in forcing the school to do what she wants.
The thing is, I completely understand her fear. It’s terrifying to let your child be near new people that you don’t know. It’s scary to change a routine that he/she depends on. And really, as autism parents, we learn to live in that routine and we don’t want to change it, either. It’s what we know. But, your child deserves the chance to try. By holding your child in the same place, it may be easier on you, but it also keeps your child from growing. It’s not fair to your child.
I’m sure this mom sees behaviors at home that the school doesn’t see. I’m also sure that her son shows more skills at school than he does at home. Every child does. I’m constantly hearing about things that Casey and Rob will do for others, but when I ask, they look at me like I’m speaking in German. Let’s face it – kids always act worse for parents because they know no matter what, we’ll love them forever. When I was teaching, so many parents would say they had no idea their child could do something because they refused to do it at home. It happens.
But, if your child’s teacher and therapists are seeing amazing progress, it’s time to let go a little. No good teacher will move a child before he/she is ready. Ask for a meeting with the teacher and therapists and listen to their plan. You may not like it, but you can ask questions and share your concerns. Go meet the new teacher. If it’s a new school, tour the entire school and take your child to visit.
The change in routine may not be easy and you need to understand there may be a few rough weeks or months, but ultimately, pushing your child to stretch and learn is what you need to do. You know how you feel when you try something new and really like it? Your child deserves the chance to find what they like, too. They need pushed to keep learning and growing.
Try not to let your child see your fears. Make the change sound like fun and, if you have to, pretend you are excited about it. Do what you need to do to alleviate your anxiety. If the teacher is a good one, he/she will completely understand your anxiety and will do everything they can to help you. Visit the class and see the children who will become your child’s friends. See how the teacher runs the class – you’ll be able to offer her/him ideas on how your child will fit in the best. You can share your child’s strengths and your fears.
With autism, change is rarely easy. Life is unpredictable and it won’t hurt your child to learn that. The good thing with letting go is that you can prepare your child (and yourself!) for changes and grow together. It’s scary. But letting your child try is the best thing you can do for him/her. Remember – always reach for the stars. You won’t get there if you keep your child in one spot forever.