Autism Moms and the Need to Just Chill Out

As soon as Mandy sees this post, I can imagine the look on her face – she told me to do just chill out several times today.  I know I need to do that, but you know how hard it is!

She called me this morning and asked if I wanted to bring Casey and Rob to a cookout at her in-laws camp site and then take a long kayak trip.  Oh man!  I haven’t been on the river yet this year and I wanted to go so badly, but the autism mom kicked in.  Who will be there?  Do they know about autism?  What if Rob gets loud?   That was the first time she told me to chill out.  “we got it covered, mom.”

Okay, she thinks no one will be bothered by the loudness, what about taking them on an hour long trip?   We hadn’t tried that, yet – only playing by the camp site.  “I got it figured out, mom,” she said.  Her plan was to tie their kayaks or tubes to ours.  And I wanted to go so much.  I still wasn’t sure about Rob, but I could just take him home if he got anxious.  So I asked them if they wanted to go and Rob was so excited he changed into his swimming clothes right then.  (We weren’t leaving for a few hours!)  I was amazed, as he hates to wear shorts.

As I was driving, I thought about how many times I wanted to do something and really wasn’t sure about the kids so I backed out.  It’s just easier to stay at times – you all know that.  And, really, there are things that I know one or the other won’t enjoy and I either take just one or we stay home.  I did that yesterday – we were all invited to a graduation party and I knew Casey wanted to go.  I thought about taking Rob, just for a few minutes, but he said “No, fanks!” as soon as I mentioned it.  He went to Grandma and Grandpa’s house and Casey went with me.

So we get to the camper and I’m getting nervous.  Rob started singing his anxious song, but he was doing it quietly and only once.  He wanted to see the water, so we sat on a bench where he could watch the river flow by and he got quiet.  He asked for the boat once or twice, but I told him we were going to eat first and he was okay with that.  Casey just watched everything and rocked a little.

When it was time to eat, I asked Casey to wait for Mandy to get her plate and again, I got the “chill out, mom” look from Mandy.  So Casey fixed her own plate (she’s perfectly fine doing that – I was just trying to keep her out of everyone’s way – course, no one was paying attention anyway – they were fixing their own plates!)  They both ate (I was impressed – you can never be sure Rob will eat – especially when he is excited about something).

As soon as we finished, Rob started getting wiggly.  He was ready to get in the boat.  Mandy and Cory got the kayaks ready while I wondered if Rob would actually step down into it.  The water was a little higher than when we were there before and he refuses to get his shoes wet.  Casey got into hers first – squealing “help” a few times – she thought we were going to send her down the river alone.  She calmed down as soon as she saw me get into my kayak and the rope holding us together.

I got us out of the way and turned to see if Rob would get in.  And was amazed when he stepped right in and settled down with his paddle.  Soon, he and Mandy were beside Casey and I and we were off.  We had decided to take them to the end of the campground and see how they were doing.  If either was anxious, it would be easy to get out there.  They both wanted to keep going.  Rob looked half-asleep – he was so relaxed.  He even splashed his hands in the water!

Now that we are home, Casey said long trips are fun, but about halfway through the trip, I had serious doubts about her.  She kept taking big breaths and sighing.  But she never got upset.  She didn’t relax as much as he did, but she seemed okay.

I looked around at the beautiful blue sky, the green trees along the river and the kids doing something together and wondered why I ever thought about not coming.  We would have missed spending a gorgeous day outside with family and friends.  It’s just that autism mom way of thinking.  And I know we all need to just chill out and go places.

Trust me, here – I am not saying you should take your child everywhere.  You know there are places that your children won’t enjoy – just like I knew Rob wouldn’t like the graduation party.  But we owe it to our kids to try new things!  We owe it to them to show them as much of the world as we can.  It may not be easy, but life rarely is – even without autism.

My advice is to try not to be scared at the thought of trying new things with your child.  It’s not that I’m afraid of trying new things – more that I overthink what might happen and worry about ruining other people’s good times.  Like today – if Rob had gotten anxious, we would have just come home.  It wouldn’t have been a big deal as Casey could have stayed with Mandy and Cory.  But I let autism into my head and it’s hard to get out sometimes.

Autism dictates so much of our lives.  It’s a simple fact that we will never be able to change.  What we can change is our reaction to it.  Even typical people have issues sometimes, so why do we worry so much about taking our children with autism into the world?  Take whatever you think might help and go.  Stay a minute, stay an hour – whatever you and your child can handle.  Only by experiencing the world can your child want to more a part of it.  If he/she has no idea kayaking exists, how would you know if they enjoy it?  You might have a star ball player or expert piano player – but only if you let them try.

Take a deep breath, chill out and go!  It won’t always work out, but at least you tried!