Casey looks forward to Prom night for weeks. This year, she went dress shopping with Mandy, Grandma Rose and me. She said she wanted a purple dress for weeks and I hoped we could find one that she liked. After several stores, she grabbed a navy blue dress with a yellow jacket. I reminded her about wanting a purple one – I just had a feeling she would get home and ask for a purple dress. (You all know how her autism causes her to stick with original plans! 🙂 ) She insisted and we found yellow shoes to go with it. She was thrilled all the way home.
Rob said “yes, please, no fanks” to a new shirt. I would love to see him really dress up, but that’s not something he could handle right now. So, I let him wear black windpants and a new shirt – with sleeves. He is willing to put the shirt on (I buy a t-shirt type shirt – nothing too uncomfortable) for pictures, but once he decides he has posed for enough (and that’s always before Casey has decided enough have been taken! 🙂 ) he wants his old shirt on. This year, I had Mandy put it in her car – just in case.
Mandy helped Casey with hair and make-up. Casey is so serious for this – everything has to be done that was done the year before. Rob wants to be left alone until he has to put his shirt on. We took so many pictures and he is smiling in many of them. Mandy made him laugh – he can never get enough of her. 🙂
We danced for a long while. Rob joined us a few times, but the twirling lights are just too tempting. He loves to lay on his back on the bleachers and just watch the lights. Casey has finally stopped her running/leaping and if she isn’t dancing with Mandy or me, she just stands and watches the other dancers. Mandy needed to leave after an hour or so and I sat down to watch, too.
It had been a long day and I was tired. I was happy to be there – happy that the kids were having fun – happy to be dressed up with all of the kids. But – I was sad, too. It’s hard to watch a big group of people having fun and dancing with their friends when mine choose to stay on the edges. I know Rob doesn’t want to be in the group – but maybe he does want to fist bump a friend like he saw others doing. Maybe he sits on the bleachers because dancing with his mom or sisters is not “cool.” Maybe he would like to line dance with the guys he knows that were there. Maybe… maybe… maybe….
Casey stays near the edge of the dancers and never takes her eyes off of them. I wonder what she is thinking. Is she wishing she was dancing with a guy? (Tho, based on what happened the last time a guy tried to get her to dance, I’m going to say that’s probably a no! 🙂 ) Is she wondering how to join the group? Is she trying to learn the dances? Does she feel left out? I don’t know how to help her. No one else there has their mom dancing with them.
Those that need help have staff with them. (I saw so many amazing staff people that night – thank you for everything you do!! It’s obvious that they love what they do!) They don’t have mom – and I’m sure being with a pretty staff person is much cooler than being with mom! But maybe Casey and Rob don’t even think about things like that. And I feel even more tired. I’m ready to go home and be done with the thoughts.
Then Rob jumps up and comes to me. He leans close and grabs my phone, finds the camera and makes faces for selfies with mom. Though he isn’t laughing in the pictures, he giggles every time he sees the goofy faces he makes. And I know that if he was feeling like being with mom isn’t cool, he wouldn’t be hugging me to do more pictures. 🙂
I wish autism wasn’t so confusing. I wish I knew what they were thinking and feeling. I wish I didn’t have deep thoughts during a fun time. I wish I wasn’t so tired at times. I wish …. I wish… I wish.
We all have those wishes, don’t we? Maybe it’s wishing for a friend for your child. Or for your child to try a new food. Or for an awesome teacher for your child. Or for a job your child enjoys. Or for the money to try a new therapy. And the list goes on and on.
I suppose it’s good that we have those wishes. As long as we can dream for our kids, we will keep reaching for the stars with them, for them. We will find the strength to fight for what they need – just so they might reach those dreams. Once we stop wishing, even for our own lives, we stop growing. We stay in the same spot. No one can be happy without those wishes and dreams.
So please, keep those dreams for your child. You have no idea what the future may hold!
And – Casey and Rob both said the prom was fun. 🙂