I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that one of my biggest worries with having two kids with autism was my “typical” daughter. I wanted Mandy to know that she was just as special and as loved as Casey and Rob. It’s not easy to do that and I often felt that I was failing them all.
Casey was almost 3 when Mandy was born and we were surprised that she took an immediate interest in her little sister. She loved watching Mandy sleep and to put her binky back in her mouth when she lost it. When Mandy was old enough to lay on the floor under a mobile, Casey was often right beside her watching the same toy. When Mandy cooed, Casey giggled. When I talked to Casey, I might as well have been talking to the wall. Mandy had an immediate effect on Casey.
Casey got her official diagnosis of autism two weeks before Rob was born. Her neurologist told me that since I had one child with autism, I should watch for signs from either of the other kids. Mandy was talking and loved being around people, but it was possible that she would regress at any time. I didn’t even think about Rob having autism at that point – I was too worried about getting Casey the help she needed and watching Mandy for signs she was losing skills.
When Mandy turned 3, I was sure she was fine. She talked non-stop and enjoyed pretending and playing with anyone. She talked to Casey, even if she didn’t get a response, and she played odd games with Casey, just to hear her giggle. One of their favorites was to toss toys over their shoulders until their closet was empty – laughing the whole time. Sitting in the doorway watching them was so much fun and gave me hope that Casey would ok.
Rob followed Mandy from the day he was born. Because they were so close in age, and she was small for her age, they were often mistaken for twins. She talked for him, so he rarely had to make an effort to communicate. He also had constant ear infections, so when he didn’t say much, our doctors weren’t too concerned.
When I tried to teach Casey or Rob skills that Mandy learned easily, she jumped in to make it more fun. She didn’t know she was helping – only that she was “playing” with her brother and sister. Unfortunately, there were many times that Mandy jumped in to help when Casey was having a meltdown and Rob was anxious. I hated depending on her – she was just a little girl!
I hated that when she wanted to play with Barbies or horses, I had to sit at the top of the steps and play so I could hear what was happening downstairs. I hated that Rob loved her horses as much as she did and was likely to take them while she wasn’t looking. I hated that Casey loved chewing Barbie feet and Mandy would be furious their shoes wouldn’t fit anymore.
But as mad as Mandy would get, she was the first one to jump when Casey or Rob needed help. She didn’t seem to notice that they weren’t like her friends’ siblings. I worried that her friends would be mean to the kids, but they were accepted. I think it helped that Mandy went to our local elementary school and Casey and Rob went to another one. This gave Mandy time to grow and learn self-confidence before she had to really deal with the cruelty of other kids towards her siblings.
I have often seen posts that say if you want to know how to treat someone with autism, you should just look to their siblings. There is so much truth in that statement. I never told Mandy she had to always be nice to her siblings – what siblings never fight? But – while she may have gotten mad and yelled at Casey or Rob, no one else better even think about it. She is a firm believer that only she can do that!
She knows just what buttons to push to get reactions from Casey and Rob and still pushes those buttons at time, just so they can share laughs. They may not share fun like typical siblings, but the love and laughs are the same. They tease each other (anyone who says people with autism don’t have a sense of humor haven’t looked closely enough!) every chance they get.
Mandy and Cory lived in Texas for several years and those were tough years for Rob. Casey would look at the calendar and know when they were coming home for a visit, but Rob couldn’t understand time or distances. He just wanted Mandy and Cory to be home. Now that they live here, a trip to their house is better than a stop at McDonalds!
I know not all siblings of people with autism are as close as mine are. I wish they could be. I wish I knew the magic answer. The best advice I can give is always remember that each child has their own special needs. Your typical child needs to have time just with you – no matter what you need to do to give it to them. Spend the other kids to bed earlier. I used to send Casey and Rob to school and take Mandy shopping and out for lunch once in a while. When Mandy had special events at school, I was there and I left Casey and Rob with grandma and grandpa so I would be totally there for her.
Rob still follows Mandy around – just like in the above the picture. Whenever Mandy practiced her trumpet, Rob pulled my old guitar out and followed her. If she went in the pool, he was right behind her. And he still thinks she has the best ideas. He leans on her for comfort. Casey does the same but she expects Mandy to take her everywhere she wants to go. They both know they can twist Mandy around their fingers – but she doesn’t always do what they want. Sometimes, she is mean and says no – and Casey will tell on her as soon as she can.
Close – knit siblings are still siblings, after all!