Over the last week, I’ve read several posts by parents or grandparents of people with autism wondering about Christmas gifts for their loved ones. I’ll admit – I don’t have the perfect answer, as I struggle with Rob every time I want to buy him a gift.
The conversation goes something like this. “Rob, tell me what you want for Christmas.” “The presents.” “What do you want in the presents?” “A present.” “But, what kind of present?” “A present.” “A CD?” “CD.” “New Legos?” “New Legos.” “Crayons?” “Crayons.” And on and on.
Casey, on the other hand, has been able to tell me what she wants for several years. She is a very detailed list maker. This year, an orange t-shirt, a blue turtleneck, jeans, Elmo book and “da biggest Grover” top her list. And, she tells everyone different things to be sure she doesn’t get duplicates. She is a planner, that’s for sure.
So, I struggle with Rob. I try to think of what he is interested in, but right now, paper clips and cardboard are the top of his list. He loves the original Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and the Wizard of Oz. He doesn’t care about clothes (unless I want him to wear new ones!). Dr. Seuss books are always a hit, but he has his favorites, so why buy more?
He doesn’t watch DVD’s or TV. He doesn’t listen to CDs anymore, as he uses his iPad. He plays with Legos and loves small wooden trains. He doesn’t wear his hats anymore and he has a huge pile of soft blankets. He collects magazines, but I can’t figure out which ones he will save and which ones he will rip up.
He loves street signs and bubble wrap and popsicle sticks. He loves McDonalds and fruit and frozen pizza. I’m sure you are beginning to see my dilemma. The funny thing is, he loves to open presents. He used to open one and be done, but now, he rips through them and enjoys it. So I want him to have things he enjoys in those packages.
Maybe he just likes the surprise of opening the gifts. I remember one birthday, he shared he wanted Ryan and Kelsey and Kenzie to come over. Among the gifts were a jar of pickles and a huge pile of crayons and cardboard. He was the happiest little guy in the world that night. Ryan’s parents told me they tried to talk Ryan out of buying pickles for Rob, but he giggled when he opened that gift because he was so excited.
One Christmas, he got a Cat in the Hat hat and Hulk hands and insisted on wearing both the rest of the day. That’s the excitement I want to bring to both of them on Christmas. Something that will bring smiles and giggles and that they don’t want to put down.
That’s why, a long time ago, I decided that what they liked was what they were going to get, whether it was “age-appropriate” or not. If Casey wants Sesame Street, she’s going to get Sesame Street. If Rob wants a toddler train set, that’s exactly what he is going to get. I’m tired of people saying they don’t think it’s right for adults to play with toys.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t want to feed their child’s obsession with toys. What about the parent’s hobbies? How many of them collect things? Or have a hobby they obsess over? Golf, TV shows, books. They enjoy those hobbies, so why can’t our kids just enjoy their hobbies? Why do people insist on calling their likes “obsessions” and want to change it? A diagnosis of autism doesn’t change the fact they are a person with their own personality.
Rob got a stop sign and a railroad sign for his birthday. He was happy to hang them in his room. His helmet from Halloween has been added to his Wizard of Oz collection. He may get some odd things for gifts, but he is happy and isn’t that what we want for our kids?
When you shop for gifts for your children, stop worrying about what other people think. When you buy gifts for “typical” people in your life, you buy what they would enjoy, even if you don’t care for it. Why can’t buying gifts for your kids be just like that? If your child loves baby rattles, who is it hurting to give them rattles? The only thing you should worry about is how hard your child will laugh as they open their gifts.
Sometimes, people with autism don’t care about getting gifts at all and that’s ok. Buy a few things for them, just in case this is the year they want to join in, but don’t stress over it. Christmas is a time for peace and joy, not trying to force someone to enjoy an activity. I know all about the guilt of trying to spend the same amount on each child. I do, but Rob and Casey’s gifts might seem odd to others. Again, I don’t care. I want to see joy on their faces whether it’s a box of paperclips for Rob, the newest Sesame Street toy for Casey, a craft item for Mandy or a car part for Cory.
I don’t know what it is about Christmas and other special days that causes autism parents to stress over things we don’t think about it all any other time of the year. Maybe it’s that daydream of the perfect holiday and we want everyone to enjoy it like we see in movies. Perfect holidays are different in every house. Every family has their own version of happy days.
So, this year, buy the box of paper clips or socks or baby doll or race car your loved one would enjoy and don’t worry about what others think. Buy (or don’t buy) and let the stress of the perfect Merry Christmas go. Perfect and normal isn’t nearly as much fun as watching someone’s eyes light up and hearing their giggles as they open their gifts.