For some reason, I’ve seen a lot of posts this week about toxic people. You know the kind – the ones that are hard to be around because they are never happy and seem to bring out the worse in the people they are around. Or, in the case of people with autism, they think you can “discipline” the autism out of a person or that the autism and everything that comes with it are made up. I’m sure you know people like this.
This week, the question seems to be what to do if a person like this is a member of your family. As unbelievable as it is to me, I’ve actually seen conversations that wonder if it really hurts their child with autism if someone doesn’t accept them – or if a family member “means well” but is still not a positive influence for the child. I don’t care who that person is – your child deserves to be treated with love and respect. If a family member can’t do it, then avoid that person. Simple as that.
Even if your child can’t say something hurts them, you should know that if it would hurt you to hear it, then it hurts your child. Just because they can’t talk, does not mean they can’t hear and feel! I can tell by the way Casey and Rob are acting if they are getting upset. Or by the look in their eyes. Or if they really don’t want to spend time with someone. And I follow their lead. I refuse to force them to be around people who cannot love and accept them for the amazing people they are.
I know there are a lot of families out there with people who just think if you would discipline your child more or if you would stop “babying” them, the autism would disappear. Often, it seems to be older people, as when they were children, no one had ever heard of autism – people with disabilities were either put in homes or kept out of sight in the family home. They didn’t go to school. They didn’t go to church. They were hidden. So, I can sort of understand why elderly people think they way they do… but that does not mean I’ll let anyone be mean to my kids. Love us as we are or get out of our lives.
There are a few family members that Rob has issues with. Luckily, these are not people he is around often and when he is, it is for a very short amount of time. Casey doesn’t have the same reaction as Rob does. If she is hurt by someone, she tends to avoid that person and ignores them when she does have to be around them. She also has a tougher skin than Rob does and doesn’t take things personally like he does.
He will get anxious and loud and the more the person tries to get close to him, the louder he will get. It can last for hours when he gets home and nothing I can say will convince him that he is an awesome young man and that person who was mean to him is an idiot. So – we avoid. I let him take the lead. If he doesn’t want to see someone, he doesn’t go. There have been times that I know he doesn’t want to go, but he won’t let Casey go by herself, so he reluctantly will follow her. It is truly amazing to see the love and care he has for her.
I know it isn’t easy to avoid family members, sometimes. You can always try to educate those people – let them know that you aren’t babying your child when you bring their favorite foods to family meals. Explain why you do it – because of sensory issues. Try to explain a few times, then drop it. If that person is rude enough to continue commenting about you giving in to your child, then tell them to back off. Some people will never understand and you can’t let your child suffer because of it. Either avoid that person or stand up to them. To protect your child, you don’t have many choices.
And you have to protect your child! Yeah, I know it’s easier to avoid confrontation. But – what’s the cost? Your child’s self-esteem and happiness. Are you really going to let some jerk destroy that? I know you are overwhelmed at times and the path of least resistance is always desirable. But, the damage that can be done to your child is unimaginable. You have to protect them!
I will admit – there have been many times that I was one of the least liked people in the room. I didn’t like that feeling, but I had to be that person to keep Casey and Rob safe. I had to make phone calls that no parent wants to make. I had to go to meetings and struggle not to scream at people. Most autism parents have been in that place. Fun, isn’t it?
But – Casey and Rob, Mandy and Cory always come first. I will stand up for them and defend them against anyone. That’s what a mom does, after all – or what a parent should do. It won’t be easy to avoid toxic family members and I doubt you will like doing it (although, I will admit – there are a few people that I joyfully avoid now! 🙂 ) but you have to think of your child’s well-being first, last and always.