Autism and a Little Bit of Jealousy

How many of you have looked at a friend or family member and thought they were so lucky? That it seemed their life was “all together” and perfect? (well, maybe not perfect, but easier than yours?) I have. But I always feel like I’m not supposed to admit it. Because to admit that I get jealous because my friends can stay at supper for as long as they want and I need to get home to keep the kids on their schedule makes it sound like I resent their autism. And that’s not it at all. SO – I’ll be the first to say it. I DO get jealous at times.

It doesn’t mean I don’t love all of my kids more than anything in the world. It just means sometimes, I get tired. I get tired of being on a schedule (we can change it a little, but too much and they don’t sleep and it’s just not worth it most of the time!). I get tired of helping with baths and showers. I get tired of shaving (though, since none of like doing that, it often falls by the wayside! 🙂 ).

It’s tiring to think about meals by what picky eaters will eat. (I’ve solved that by trying to make things that he will eat parts of – like homemade chicken noodle soup. I just keep some of the chicken for him.) I’m tired of her not eating leftovers. I’m tired of washing the same darn shirts over and over. I’m tired of worrying about the future for them.

Basically, I’m just like every other parent, special needs or not, in the world. We all get tired. The really crazy thing is – parents of special needs kids aren’t supposed to admit it. Because to admit we are tired sometimes makes other people think we mean we are tired of our kids. Sometimes, it seems we are held to a higher standard than typical parents – and that’s just not right.

If I’m irritated at my child for repeating Long Black Train for 7 hours, I should be able to say that without being judged for not being more patient with my “poor son with autism.” But – if a typical child is being a pain in the butt repeating something, it’s okay for the parent to get mad and send them to their room. Why the double standard?

Why is it okay for a typical parent to be tired of running their kid to every activity known to man, but it’s not okay for me to say I’m so tired of helping with baths (I’ve been doing it for 31 years – give me a break! 🙂 )? As special needs parents, we need to be able to say we wish things were different at times. Typical parents can say they can’t wait for their child to get out of the terrible twos’s… why can’t we wish for potty training or for our child to sleep through the night without sounding like we want a different child?

I don’t want different kids. Casey, Mandy, Rob and Cory are the most amazing young people you would ever hope to meet. They have all fought obstacles (and won!) that most people couldn’t even imagine. I am so proud of each one of them and am sure they will all reach their dreams. (Even if I have to push them the whole way! 🙂 ) But – I should also be able to say I want to get groceries without taking Casey and Rob with me.

Yes – it is a million times easier now than it used to be. But – I want to get in the store and get out without wandering around looking at crayons and socks. I just want to get what’s on my list and go. And – it gets expensive taking them at times. And it’s hard to think about what I might need or decide if a sale price is really a good price when he is humming, rocking and blocking the aisle and she is trying to put stuff in the cart because mom is so blind she will never notice. Yes, it’s easier than it used to be (she ran off more times than I can count and he cried – sensory issues) but that doesn’t mean I want to do it!

When I look back and see how far they have come, I feel guilty for wanting more at times. I would love to be able to go to sleep when I’m tired instead of needing to wait until they sleep. I would love to be able to run to the store for sugar without taking them and spending an hour there. But, there’s that guilt again. Because we do a lot of things now we never used to be able to do.

We do go shopping. We go out to eat. We go hiking and new places to swim. We went on a vacation this summer. They both graduated with diplomas. He wants to try new things – she wants to go go go! He is willing to wear new shirts. She doesn’t meltdown when the schedule does change. Life is good!

I just want all of you to know that it’s okay to be jealous at times. Every parent is and just because we have special needs children doesn’t make us different in that regard. Just don’t let your jealousy shadow the amazing people your children are! Remember that every parent in the world is jealous of other parents at times. Your family may have special needs, but other families have needs, too. They may be dealing with issues that you can’t imagine – a death, finances, drugs.

So don’t feel guilty if you feel jealous once in a while. And don’t let anyone else make you feel guilty, either! Just keep in mind how awesome your kids are – just the way they are! Allow yourself a few minutes to think “Wow – I wish….” and then move on to happier things.

And now it’s time to start our evening routine. Have a great week! 🙂