Tag: autism holidays

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Autism and my Christmas Wish for You

Autism and My Christmas Wish for You

With less than a week to go before Christmas, Casey is getting more excited every day. She reminds me every morning that Santa is coming soon and that she is hoping for a new Elmo. Rob just grins at her, but he never mentions Santa unless I ask him what he wants for Christmas – then he says “Santa.” It took years for us to get to this point and I plan to enjoy every single moment.

My wishes for you are the same as the ones I want. Simple ones, really.

  1. I wish for excitement on Christmas morning, whether it is squeals of joy, flapping hands, or beautiful twinkles of their eyes. Honestly, there won’t be any of that at our house. Casey will be in full-on holiday mode and until everything has happened that she expects for that day, she is unable to fully relax. But, I will catch a small grin as she opens a new Elmo or a whole book of color by number pictures. Rob won’t say a word, either. But, he will carefully peel of the plastic wrap on his new signs and hold them in his lap as he opens other gifts.
  2. I wish for a meal of laughs and fun. I don’t know what a quiet meal is – and imagine quiet dinners would be quite boring, unless you were having a romantic date with your significant other. I wish for food that Rob will enjoy ( he loves ham!) and disposable plates. I wish for my family to be together and for the laughs (and once in a while, a roll or carrot!) to fly!
  3. I wish for tons of pictures to capture each moment – even the “boring” ones.
  4. I wish for an anxiety free day – whatever that looks like for you. For us, that means Casey and Rob have plenty of downtime at home between their dad’s house and my parents’ house. They get to relax and unwind.
  5. I wish for health for everyone. This year, especially, things might look a little different for you. We have small family dinners each year, so that’s our plan for this year. I hope between now and Friday, no one is sick or quarantined.
  6. Most of all, I wish for you – peace, acceptance and love. None of this may look like you once thought, but that doesn’t mean it still isn’t perfect for you.

Merry Christmas to each of you! Be happy, be safe and remember the reason for the season.

With hugs and love,
Jen

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Autism and a Christmas Party

Autism and a Christmas Party

This post is going to be a little different, as usually I’m talking to families or professionals that are with people with special needs every day. This post is for those who have little to no experience with people with autism. Please – print and share this with anyone you may encounter this holiday season!

While Christmas is a very magical time for most people, for those with autism, it can be even more difficult to handle the day to day stress and anxiety. Unlike what many people believe, people with autism do enjoy the holidays – on their terms. They may not be able to tell you what they want for Christmas or tell you what they would like to do, but they want to be a part of the excitement, too. Again, on their terms.

Some may enjoy a huge, loud party with all kinds of food and plenty of people to talk to. Casey and Rob would hate that. They much prefer small gatherings with people they know and are comfortable with. My point is – just because my kids would hate it, doesn’t mean their friend Brandon would. Tyler and Adam like to be the life of the party, while Riley prefers smaller groups. There is no one size fits all – but, please… invite us. We don’t want to be ignored. We may not be able to come or stay long, but you have no idea how happy we are just to be included.

Going to stores can be especially tough during this time of year. The stores are crowded – things are moved around – the music is loud. Sensory issues can can an overload and a meltdown. We don’t need your laughs or your negative comments. Either be kind or get away from us. Trust me – nothing you say will surprise us autism parents. We’ve heard it all. Just remember – our patience is saved for our children, not for you.

Excitement may be hard for people with autism to handle. They may rock or hum or flap their hands or squeal. Be happy and enjoy their excitement – you don’t need to be concerned. Anxiety may be higher and cause more calming behaviors, such as rocking or squeezing their hands or cheeks (Rob used to squeeze his chin as hard as he could when he got anxious. Now he flips at his ears.) Again, you don’t need to worry. Ask if they need help, if you can be kind.

Be understanding if we come to your party and bring our own food. Casey will eat almost anything. Rob won’t. Riley won’t. Tyler and Brandon aren’t as picky. Adam only likes certain things. We aren’t saying we don’t like your food choices by bringing our own food. We are simply hoping that if our children have what they need, we might be able to enjoy your food and a few minutes to eat it.

And – understand if we come to your party looking like we are moving in. We may have a favorite blanket or stuffed animal, an iPad, coloring books, headphones – you name it and we may be packing it. We are not spoiling our kids – we just want them to enjoy themselves in the hopes that we can have fun, too. If you have a spare room that we could use as a quiet space, that would be amazing.

And, please, please, understand that many of our kids believe in Santa forever. Don’t spoil that magic for them. Casey believes in Santa and the Easter Bunny. Rob will talk about both, but whether he truly believes in them or goes along for Casey’s sake, I don’t know.

On last thing – we know our lives can be confusing to those who don’t live them. If you have a question or concern, please ask us. It may be hard to talk about at times, but we would much rather be asked questions than to be ignored. Learn more about autism. Discover how amazing people with autism are. Accept us and you will find the most wonderful love and joy.

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Autism and Christmas Challenges of the Past

Autism and Christmas Challenges of the Past

I have always loved Christmas. But, for many years, December was not always a magical month for us. Kids are always excited about Santa, but autism can throw a wrench into even the best laid plans.

For many years, as soon as Thanksgiving was over, Casey got irritable. Her meltdowns became even more frequent and even when she wasn’t melting, she was on edge. Knowing she was close to screaming kept me on eggshells, too. I knew she was excited about Santa. I knew she had a hard time waiting. What I didn’t know was what the actual problem was.

Everyone always asked her, “Have you been good this year?” Or said. “Santa won’t come if you aren’t good.” She is a literal thinker. I finally discovered – she was never sure she had been “good” enough for Santa to bring her gifts. She thought Mandy and Rob would get presents, but not her.

I won’t lie. I cried when I realized that. How terrible for her to think about that for a month every year and have no way of telling anyone why she was upset. And, of course, every time she got upset, she thought Santa was putting her on the “bad” list. Can you imagine wondering if you are good enough and not being able to talk about it?

To help with the waiting, we made paper chains and every night, they took turns tearing a link off. This was a very visible reminder of when Santa was coming. It helped Mandy, too. This might be worth a try for anything your child is looking forward to. We had calendars with changeable numbers to count down the days, but these really didn’t help Casey or Rob.

Buying gifts was easier when they were little. Rob loved anything with wheels. Casey didn’t play with toys like Mandy did, but she loved getting new ones. She had baby dolls and Barbies and while she didn’t play with them like Mandy did, she liked holding a baby and watching Mandy.

I tried to do Christmas crafts with them. Sometimes, it worked… Sometimes it was a disaster. Rob joined in because Mandy was. Casey might or might not. We baked cookies together. Again, it was hit or miss whether they would help. We didn’t go many places. Stores were loud, hot and crowded and with Rob’s sensory issues and Casey being irritable anyway… Nope, not happening. I shopped while they were in school.

Neither Casey or Rob could wait for anything for very long. We tried to visit Santa. Rob would have nothing to do with him. Casey couldn’t wait in long lines. Now, most malls have specified times for special needs families to see Santa and I think that is so wonderful! (This happens in a non-pandemic world. This year, Santa visits are very different if they happen at all.)

Last night, I saw proof again at how much they have changed. There was a local light display at our fairgrounds and they wanted to go. I knew it would be crowded (it was drive thru) so we left early. We still had to wait over an hour to get in. Casey did sigh deeply several times, but they were both okay waiting. (Honestly, I was more impatient than they wore – I knew we were less than 3 blocks from fairgrounds – no idea why traffic didn’t move when it opened.) I was so proud of them!

To make it even better, Casey got to see Santa and wave to him. (She was very concerned when our parade was canceled about seeing him) and Rob got to see Mater from the movie Cars. Plus lots of lights and inflatables.

Your Christmas season may not be what you want and hope for. But – that doesn’t make it a bad holiday! Instead of looking at others and wishing you could do what they do, start your own traditions. Make your family holiday memorable to you and stop comparing.

Because, there is one thing I am sure of – while you are looking at others and wishing your Christmas was like theirs, someone is looking at you and wishing their holiday could be like yours. Do you. Be unique. Be special!

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Autism and a Magical Holiday Season

Autism and a Magical Holiday Season

Maybe I’m the only one that feels like this, but this year, especially, I want to experience a truly magical holiday season. As anyone who knows me knows – I love Christmas! I love decorating and baking and cards and wrapping – even shopping. But – this year, I want Casey and Rob to really have a wonderful, special season. That’s not always easy when autism is in the family, but I’m determined.

I’ve never been one to leave shopping until the last minute, so honestly, I’ve only got a few things left to get. I’ve got everything for my baking (and the list from everyone of their favorite cookies!) and my Christmas cards are ready to be mailed. I plan on having fun and not rushing around and stressing over silly little details all month. Life has been too anxious for months. We have been doing awesome with all of the changes, but those changes are getting to Casey. She wants her usual magic – parades, dances, shopping. And most of these have been canceled.

So I’ve been on the hunt for things she and Rob would both like to do (and that’s not easy!) that are close to home and don’t cost too much. I have heard that a few towns near us are having parades, but I’m sure there will be huge crowds. Most of me knows it should be safe, but at the same time, why take a chance? Especially if Casey doesn’t realize it’s an option. 🙂 I have found several drive thru light displays near us and these are perfect! Casey gets to go, go, go – and Rob can stay safely in the car away from the crowds he hates.

She is telling me now everything she wants to do – and getting irritated that Anna’s not dancing in The Nutcracker and that we aren’t going to the Zoo Lights and that there isn’t a Christmas parade and how is she going to see Santa? (I haven’t figured that one out, yet – but I will! 🙂 ) So I have reminded her about the light display at the fairgrounds and the drive thru Nativity next weekend and that we are going to another drive thru display next week. She’s happy for now – until she thinks of something else that has been canceled.

This year has been rough on all of us. I’m taking the easy way out for as many things as I can. Instead of stressing about what to get Rob (Casey always provides a long, detailed list of wants!) Santa is bringing just what he loves – metal signs, Lincoln Logs (he finally told me he needed 5 big boxes of these!), Legos and playing cards to rip up. Two more Elmos, a huge pile of coloring books and more socks will be moving in with us.

And here’s another point – buy what your child loves and enjoys! Don’t listen to people who say things aren’t age appropriate! These gifts are to make your child happy – not some nosey neighbor. If your child loves socks (like someone I know!) buy packs of socks. Most 28 year old guys do not want Lincoln Logs. Rob does – that’s what he will get. Besides, I’m sure your child will look at some of the things you want and are thinking “Why would anyone want that?” 🙂

And another – accept what invitations you are comfortable with. Going to a party is supposed to be fun and relaxing. If you know it’s not a good idea for your child, then decline or try to find someone to stay with your child and take your other kids. (Yes – the guilt that comes when you do that really stinks, but your typical kids deserve special time with you, too. And – I learned that many times, Rob didn’t want to go anyway. He always had more fun with Grandpa Mack.)

If you are going to a party, plan ahead for your child’s needs. Bring food they like. Bring head phones, iPads, comfy toys. Whatever they need. Remember – someone who truly cares about you and your child will not care that you do. And anyone who does care isn’t worth your time and energy.

Look for special things around your area to do. Your idea of a perfect Christmas will not look like mine. Your ideas will be as unique as your family. Don’t compare and don’t let anyone tell you that your plans are not “fun.” Please don’t get discouraged if your child doesn’t enjoy your plans. Autism is always tricky – you can rarely be 100% sure your child will enjoy something. And -try new things! Rob always insists on the same little, old Christmas tree in his room – this year, he wanted two trees! You never know when your child will decide that new things/foods are safe to try.

Both Casey and Rob enjoy doing crafts (she flies through projects – he has to decide if they are worthy of his time and effort) and I have several easy ones planned. I have their favorite Christmas story books ready to read. Their trees are decorated and their stockings are hung. It’s time to relax, have fun and remember the true meaning of the season! 🙂

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Autism and Halloween Fun

Autism and Halloween Fun

I’ll be the first to say – Rob never enjoyed trick or treating. He didn’t like the costume (I was careful to pick something simple for him to try). He really didn’t like going up to strangers and he didn’t care about the candy. Mandy loved going. Casey wanted the candy, but her desire to go had more to do with “it’s what you are supposed to do” than any real understanding of it. And, when they were little, autism wasn’t well-known. I heard many comments about them not saying “trick or treat” or her trying to grab a certain piece of candy. I don’t miss it. The only times I remember Rob really enjoying it was the years my brother brought his 4 wheeler over and pulled them in a wagon. Rob loved that! (He may not look like in the picture- he was ready to ride and not sit for a picture! 😊)

When they got a little older, there wasn’t trick or treating for a few years and then I told Casey she was too old to go. I bought a little candy for them and we visited grandma and grandpa on trick or treat nights. Two years ago, she wanted to pass out candy and looked forward to that for weeks. The big day came and she laughed and giggled for hours. It was a cold, damp evening. She handed out candy to two children and said she was done. Guess who got stuck handing out the candy? (It had to go – we had too much to keep around here! 🙂 )

It also helped that our county board of DD held a Halloween dance every year and they got to wear their costumes to Hopewell. She still asks about trick or treating, but only for “da widdle kids.” Of course, this year, their dance had to be canceled so I decided to have a little party here. (No worries – only a small family group. 🙂 ) Casey is very excited about it and wants to pass out candy before it starts.

Holidays can be so hard for families like ours. Our kids don’t always understand that others think they are too old for some things. Personally, if your adult/teen child wants to go, take them! If someone doesn’t like it, tough. These days, most people are more aware of disabilities and are much more accepting. And you can always “educate” the idiots who choose to say something mean to your child. Some people have purchased blue pumpkin buckets (for autism) for their children to use. Others feel this isn’t necessary. Again, you need to do what you feel is best.

I am a firm believer in Casey and Rob getting to try everything they want to try. If Casey truly wanted to go trick or treating this year, I would take her. The people in our neighborhood would be happy to give her a piece of candy and I so appreciate all of them for that. Honestly, she just wants to celebrate the holiday in whatever form we choose. I did buy candy to hand out and I’ll let her try that in her fairy costume. He chose to wear a clown hat and tie this year. (And he has worn that hat many, many places already! He’s easy to spot! 🙂 )

We have our own traditions for enjoying each holiday and that may be what you need to do, too. If you are truly worried about the reaction your child may get trick or treating, talk to a few neighbors beforehand and explain the situation. That way, you can relax and enjoy watching your child try something new. Or go to a “trunk and treat” that many organizations have. These are often held in the afternoon and in a smaller area so it might be easier to keep track of a child who tends to run.

Maybe your child would enjoy passing out candy. Or decorating a pumpkin with paint or stickers instead of scooping out that yucky stuff. If your child can’t wear a costume, decorate a shirt for them or choose a silly hat. There are so many options to make this holiday fun and relaxing for all of you! Don’t feel like you have to follow everyone else’s ideas. Our lives are unique and our holidays should be, too! The smallest thing could make your child very happy – don’t compare what you did as a child to what your child might enjoy. Keep things simple for all of you!

As for us, we’ll be carving pumpkins this week. As much as Rob hates getting his hands gooey, he loves carving pumpkins. They will both carve the same faces in their pumpkins that they have for years. He might surprise me as the pumpkin he brought home from Hopewell is different, but I’m guessing someone else drew the face. Maybe not. He’s constantly surprising me these days.

Happy Halloween to all! Be safe and have fun!

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An Autism Mom’s Thoughts on a Very Different Easter

An Autism Mom's Thoughts on A Very Different Easter

Holidays are special around our house. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Halloween, even Memorial Day and July 4th have their own traditions. And every one of them includes family and friends. The gatherings might be smaller because of autism, but we have celebrations. This last month has sure changed the way we follow our traditions.

Casey has a checklist in her head of every thing that needs done to make a special day complete. We colored eggs yesterday, the Easter Bunny came and left baskets and hid eggs. (By the way, the Easter Bunny should not hide eggs when she is mostly asleep… I hope we find the rest by Christmas! 🙂 )

Casey and Rob looked at their baskets, she looked for a few eggs (honestly, I don’t think she cares – it’s just what you are supposed to do!) and went back to their rooms. But not before asking about lunch at grandma’s house. Mandy and Cory are coming here for lunch, so Rob didn’t really care about not going anywhere.

What I have heard over and over is “grandma, grandpa coming here?” (way back when all of this social distancing started, we thought about having a cookout on Easter…we could be together, but apart) The weather simply isn’t cooperating for that idea and we need to protect grandma and grandpa. Casey is having a harder time with this. She will say “not sick!” and I try again to explain to her that she may not feel sick, but she still might get someone else sick.

She flips her head, sighs and stomps her foot. It just doesn’t make sense to her. As I write this, she is still smiling because Mandy and Cory are coming and she planned the menu (ham, baked beans, pasta salad, cookies, brownies and pie… Do you notice the sweet tooth? 🙂 )

What I want to say to her is that I want to see Grandma and Grandpa, too. I miss seeing my brother and his family. We are supposed to be laughing and goofing off – together – not texting Happy Easter to each other. I’ll be the first to admit – I really don’t mind staying home. When our lives are “normal” by the time the kids get home from Hopewell, they need to decompress in their rooms. They want to be alone for a while. And I have supper to make and laundry and… on and on…. Some nights, it seems like we barely connect.

But, since we are all home – we are walking every day (or as many as we can between rain drops and snow flakes!) and we are baking – making crafts – painting. We are just sitting on the swing and watching the birds and talking about Sesame Street or the Wizard of Oz. We are having long “talks” about fast food menus and where we have gone on vacation. We talk about who went to heaven and going to the zoo this summer (maybe!).

So, yeah, I’m missing my family and wishing we were all together. We have already talked about having a Casey/Grandpa/Jen/Jeff/Cory/Lacey/Anna birthday party/Lacey graduation/Mother’s Day/Memorial Day/July 4th party in July. I can only imagine the traditions that Casey will want to include on a day like that! 🙂 But, it won’t matter, because finally, we will all be together and acting like our usual goofy selves. I can’t wait!

I hope that when this is all over, I don’t fall back into my old habit of worrying about gatherings and how Rob will do. I hope I can just relax, grab the kids and go! I hope I remember not being able to see everyone and how little it matters if Rob is a little loud, as long as he is having fun. I’ll do my best, but I also know a lot of the worry depends on how tired I am.

I hope everyone has a blessed Easter with special traditions that are unique to your family! Be happy, be safe!

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Autism and End of the Year Thoughts

Autism and End of Year Thoughts

Happy New Year! As Casey has been reminding me since Thursday, “Tuesday, December is all done.” Yes, Casey. “Wednesday is January” Yes, Casey. “Tuesday, 2019 is all done!” Yes, Casey. “Wednesday 2020” Yes, Casey. Over and over and over. 🙂 Is it just me or does 2020 seem like it should be a futuristic movie setting? It sure makes the 1999 seem like a million years ago. To me, anyway.

I hope each of you had a wonderful Christmas. Ours went as planned and expected which is always good. The only thing that was odd was the terrible fog we had on Christmas Eve. It lasted all day and through the night. Our drive to look at Christmas lights was severely shortened because we simply couldn’t see the lights on the houses (and honestly, it was terrible driving!). Casey seemed to be getting agitated after her bath, which is odd for her on Christmas Eve.

Until she was finally able to tell me it was foggy. I agreed but told her we were safe at home and so were Mandy and Cory. Then she mentioned Rudolph! I got it! I had to laugh and tell her I was sure that Rudolph would be able to help Santa that night – she didn’t need to worry. She giggled and went to bed. And went to bed again about 30 minutes later. And 45 minutes later. And 15 minutes later. Finally, at 12:30, I told her she had to stay in bed so I could go to bed and then Santa would come. I tucked her in, Santa came, and I heard her on the steps again.

I saw a light flash on, turn off and her running back to bed. I had to wake them both up at 9 the next morning to open their gifts. Apparently, she could only sleep once she knew he had actually made it! 🙂

Now that the excitement of Christmas is somewhat over, she is talking about New Year’s Eve. We are trying something different this year. Mandy and Cory are having a party at their house. This will be the first time Casey and Rob have ever gone anywhere on New Year’s Eve and I’m wondering how it will go. When we stay home, they take baths as usual, even with company here, eat snacks and go to bed. I think she stayed up one time, but they really could care less.

I’m going to make sure they have their bath/shower before we go to Mandy’s so they can just go to bed when we get home. I really, really doubt we stay until midnight, but you never know! They both constantly surprise me and this could be another of those times. Honestly, once Rob decides he is ready for sleep, that’s it. He may be sleeping at their house! 🙂

I just asked Casey what she would like to do in 2020. She wants to go to Walmart and McDonald’s (she got gifts cards for both for Christmas), go to the Cincinnati Zoo (and told me we went in June 1993 – which we did!) go to a hotel and go with Tracie. She doesn’t worry about losing weight, earning more, doing more…. blah blah. She is only concerned with fun things – and how I wish to be more like her!

I have things I want to accomplish in 2020. But when I looked at my list, I hadn’t written fun things. Who wants to accomplish only boring things? Where is the motivation? So I tossed my list away. I do want to write more, as that is fun to me. I am going to walk in the rain. I’m going to read more. I’m going to craft more and spend more time with my friends. I’m going to spend more time playing with Blue and laughing at the birds in my back yard.

Rob’s list is to go to Mandy and Cory’s house, go to Grandma and Grandpa’s house and go swimming with Tracie. Again, fun things. We all need to take a lesson from our kids.

I bet if you could ask your child with autism what they wanted, it wouldn’t be to lose weight or work more hours. It would be to enjoy the spinning lights of their favorite toy or to swing higher than anyone thinks is safe. It will be to stand under pouring water or sit by a waterfall. It would be to lay under heavy blankets and to squeeze play doh. It would be to throw away all of the “yucky” food and uncomfortable clothes. It would be to watch favorite movies and listen to favorite music.

We have so much stress in our lives that adding New Year’s resolutions is just crazy. For your resolutions, learn from your child. Choose fun over boring. Decide what would make you happy and go for that. Seriously, your life is stressful enough without adding more pressure to be perfect. Choose grace to be imperfect over the guilt of perfection.

You will never be stress free. Our lives are just simply different and everyone has a different kind of stress. Dealing with doctors, insurance, schools and therapist every day takes a huge toll on you. Trust me – been there, done that. Luckily, that’s not happening as much these days and I thank God for that.

So this year, resolve to do something for you! It doesn’t have to be a big thing – just something that makes you happy. A few minutes of happiness each day can change your whole attitude and we all need that.

Happy New Year from our circus to you. May you all have a safe and happy holiday!

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Merry Christmas from Our Autism Circus

Merry Christmas from our Autism Circus

Christmas is only a few days away and Casey and Rob are getting excited. She keeps peaking at gifts to see the ones with her name on them. He is building Christmas trees with his Legos.

We went to their Christmas dance a few days ago. Mandy and Cory are coming after lunch on Tuesday to open presents and they know where they want to look at lights that evening.

We’ve watched Rudolph, the Grinch, Frosty and Charlie Brown. They have laughed at Kevin in Home Alone.

Cookies are made. Candy is made. They are having a Christmas lunch at Hopewell Monday and Casey has a new Christmas shirt to wear.

We plan to relax through our holiday and not rush from place to place. Casey will do her usual poses for pictures. Rob will wish I would get the camera away from him. She will be serious all Christmas Day until her “list” is complete, then she will laugh and smile.

Our wish is for each of you to have an amazing, relaxing Christmas – one that is perfect for your family! Maybe that means chicken nuggets for supper or bags of pretzels for presents.

Please, don’t compare your holiday to anyone else’s! Every family has their own traditions and struggles – what might look perfect from the outside probably isn’t. You can’t know what stress other families are under.

Do what’s best for your child and stay away from negative people. Enjoy the smiles and love you see in your child’s eyes – even when you can’t hear them say it.

We are so blessed to have all of you with us on our journey with autism. Merry, merry Christmas from our circus to yours with love and blessings for peace and joy.

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Autism and Checking off the List

Autism and Checking off the List

Yesterday, I saw Casey’s “serious” holiday look. It happens when she starts thinking about her official list of what needs to be done for Christmas and other special days. She can get irritated if she feels I’m not following her list closely enough – or if I’m not doing things quick enough for her. Thank you, autism! 🙂

Luckily, the look went away quickly. I’m not sure what she was thinking about but she was giggling and happy within a few minutes, so I really didn’t care!

I took them shopping Thursday evening. As soon as we walked in the store, Casey took off for her first gifts. While I’m not going to tell what anything is, now, as some of the people she bought for read this blog (and one is writing it! lol – they always buy what they want to give me when I’m with them! 🙂 ). Anyway, I understood her reasoning for Grandma, but she had to tell me why she picked out Grandpa’s. Mandy’s is sparkly, mine is cute and Cory is a boy, so no sparkles. She picked out a squishy toy for Rob (they never pay any attention to what the other is doing) and when I asked why, she said because he squeezes. Yep – she’s right. 🙂

Rob waited patiently, but as soon as I asked what he wanted to get, he grabbed three of one thing (I knew these things had caught his eye as few weeks ago) – Grandma, Casey and me. Mandy got something different and he carefully picked out certain colors of another item for Cory and Grandpa. He was serious about those colors, too!

They got to wrap their presents yesterday and Casey is beyond happy that there are 3 presents under the tree for her, now. Rob never looked at the pile. He rarely does – it’s not time to open them. Even on Christmas Eve, he waits patiently for his gifts to be handed to him. Casey won’t touch the presents as long as she can read the name tags on each. And she carefully reads them over and over – just to be sure no new ones have been slipped under there while she isn’t looking! 🙂

I think we are coming close to checking off everything on her list. We are going to the Christmas dance Thursday evening – we’ve shopped and wrapped. We are making a craft later today with Mandy and baking cookies and candy next weekend. We’ve seen a drive thru light display. She mentioned going to the zoo and we have plans for that, but the day we planned on going is supposed to be bitterly cold, so that may change.

I wonder what is on holiday lists of other people with autism. I’m sure they each have their own ideas of what an “official” holiday looks like and what they would like as presents. I love the traditions that the kids look forward to each year – I just wish Casey wasn’t so strict with each of them. I wish she could relax and enjoy each a little more. I know she loves and enjoys each of our traditions, but she rarely smiles during any of them. I get the smiles after – when she is sure it happened exactly as she wanted it to.

Casey and Rob never spend much on their presents for others. Their reasoning may seem a little odd at first, but we can usually understand why after a few questions. They pick unique gifts and it’s obvious that they have thought about it. One year, Rob crawled around on the floor of the store until he found a bag of Funyuns for Grandpa. (I didn’t know my dad even liked them!) Casey likes to make gifts (No idea why she finally decided to buy her gifts this year!) but when she does buy them, she has a careful plan.

If you take your child shopping for gifts, you may not understand their reasons for purchasing a certain gift, but know that your child has perfect reasons – and you would probably get a laugh at the way they think and their choices. I know I’ve laughed at Casey and Rob’s reasoning before, but it does make perfect sense.

I hope each of you survived the full moon/Friday the 13th/2 weeks before Christmas storm. We did okay – they had trouble going to sleep a few nights, but nothing major. Thank God! The dread I felt when I saw the full moon and Friday the 13th … oh man – the dread. I know each of you understands exactly what I mean!

Remember to take care of you in the next few crazy weeks! Your child will feed off of your stress and you’ll be both be unhappy. Take time to breathe and read a Christmas book. Even if your child isn’t sitting still, they are listening. Read it for your enjoyment as much as theirs!

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Autism and Crazy Christmas Tension

Autism and Crazy, Christmas Tension

When Casey was little, December was never a good month for her. For years, she started acting out and having meltdowns near the first part of the month that lasted until Christmas. I could never understand – we stayed with our same routine. We didn’t go overboard with activities that she couldn’t handle (while all the time making sure Mandy got to do what she wanted during the holidays.) I love Christmas, but I dreaded the month for years.

She finally started relaxing, a little, in her mid teens, but she still has an exact list of what she wants to happen and she will remind me of that list often. When she was in her early 20’s, I finally learned why December was so hard for her all those years ago and it about broke my heart.

Santa. She was never sure she had been “good” enough for Santa to bring her presents. She knew her behaviors weren’t acceptable – she knew I was upset. She knew she shouldn’t scream and beat her head. And she knew Santa wouldn’t like it. So she worried that Santa wouldn’t bring her any presents because she was “bad.” (Let me say right now – I NEVER called her bad for her meltdowns!! I was stressed and I cried about it, but I never told her she was bad). I could still cry thinking about all those years that my sweet little girl worried about Santa not being happy with her – and not being able to tell anyone what was wrong, so she screamed. She ran from teachers. She beat her head on walls. The month seemed endless at times.

I only found out what had happened because of Casey’s incredible memory. We were reading a Christmas book one year and she said, “bad.” I told her she wasn’t bad. She looked deep in my eyes and said, “Screaming bad!” I told her that screaming hurt my ears and she needed to tell me what was wrong instead of scream. Still looking so serious, she said “Screaming bad, no Santa!” and I finally knew – ten years later why she had such a hard time in December.

Everyone, everywhere is telling kids to be good or Santa won’t come. Imagine how you would feel if you thought you were a bad kid – that your sister and brother were good, because they didn’t scream – and you couldn’t tell anyone that you were scared Santa wouldn’t like you? How sad. I still get choked up thinking about that. What could I have done differently? What could I have said that would have alleviated her fears? And why didn’t I know it then? (nothing like a nice load of mom guilt for the holidays, right? UGH!)

I’ve let go of the guilt now. I still wish I had known, but I can’t change it. Casey loves the entire holiday season now, so she wasn’t scarred for life over her misconceptions of Santa. But, still…. sometimes, autism sucks.

Casey is well into her list of needs for Christmas. She has reminded me about 100 times since noon yesterday that she wants to go see Christmas lights tomorrow. (WHY did I tell her I was thinking about going???) We had a long discussion about where we were going to go (It’s posted on our Facebook page) and what we would see. She is excited – another thing to be checked off her list of “must-do’s” for the season.

She watched me wrap a few presents earlier today. I asked if she was going to make her presents this year or buy them. “Make.” ok – what do you want to make? “Ornaments.” Ok – do you want to paint them or use foam pieces? “Paint.” Ok – I’ll get you some and you can make them. “Buy!” Yes, I will buy some. “NO! BUY!” You want to buy your presents? “Yes. Shopping.” OK – we’ll go shopping. “Paint?” Casey – are you going to buy or make your presents? “YES!” and she giggled and danced out of the room. I have no clue what she wants to do.

Meanwhile, Rob heard the conversation and said “Cory? Mandy?” Yes, Rob you can buy them presents. He laughed and went back to his iPad. He keeps life simple. He won’t remind me constantly that we haven’t shopped, yet. He’ll go whenever I’m ready. He’ll wrap when we have time. He may or may not tell people what he got them. 🙂 He’ll go see lights and the only thing he’ll remind me about is that he would like a snack from somewhere.

Casey is laying on the couch now, giggling about the Christmas dance next week. She looked at me and reminded me that she needed to wear her light up necklace and head band. And a Christmas shirt and Christmas socks. I told her I wouldn’t forget (like she would let me!) and she went back to her iPad. Another thing on her list that we have to do every year.

The holidays may be hard for your child, too. You may see more behaviors. You may hear more screams or less sleeping or their diet may change. While you are looking for possible reasons why, look outside the box – sometimes, way outside the box. Whatever is bothering your child may have nothing to do with Christmas at all. If I’ve learned nothing else from 30 years of living with autism it’s to expect the unexpected and to know that nothing is too far outside the box to be true.

I’ve tried some weird ideas to help the kids. Some worked, some didn’t. The point is – be open to trying the strangest things. If your child can’t tell you the problem, how can you possibly know the answer? Just like with Casey and Santa – I never guessed that was her problem. Don’t limit yourself – you never know what might work for your child!

Casey is back. She just reminded me that I told her we could do a Christmas craft today (and yeah – I completely forgot! 🙁 ) She also reminded me that we are going to see Christmas lights tomorrow and see more on Christmas Eve and that we are making cookies with Mandy on the 22nd. Oh – and the dance is the 19th. Time to distract her with pretty papers before she really gets going on her list of plans for the holidays!

Have a great week, everyone! Take time to breathe and enjoy the peace of the season!