A few days ago, I was at an event doing a story and three different people asked if I had kids and how old they were. I told them that I had 3 – all adults and that two had autism. And it was like a light was flipped off. The “Oh I’m so Sorry” pitiful look came across their faces and I seriously wanted to smack them all. Why in the world would they be sorry for my amazing kids?
I understand that when people don’t know what to say, “I’m sorry” is an easy go-to phrase, but really, it’s annoying. I’m not sorry for my kids and they wouldn’t want anyone’s pity (unless it was possible that along with the pity came some French fries! 🙂 ) They are amazing, just the way they are. I am one proud as heck mama and they know it. We have all worked darn hard to get where we are – and we don’t need anyone’s pity because of that.
The truth is – maybe I feel sorry for the parents who lose childhood magic in their home when their kids grow up. I can’t imagine how boring holidays would be without the magic of Santa coming – the eyes that twinkle and the giggles at the very thought of his visit. How boring Halloween would be without the difficult decision of what costume to wear and what candy to hope for? What about an Easter basket that magically gets filled by a giant bunny while they are asleep?
The parents that feel sorry for me don’t get to experience the pure joy that a waterfall can bring or how a long hike in the woods can be a journey worthy of a novel. They don’t see the excitement that a new box of crayons can still bring and can’t hear the giggles that Elmo can cause. Their children will grow into adults that worry about jobs and houses and bills. My children grew up to see joy in the world.
It’s not that they are always happy. We all have days that the world is a tough place, but we work through it together. I’m still one of the people that they completely believe in. They will never outgrow wanting to spend time with me (though they both love going places without me, too! 🙂 ). I’m one of the few people they completely trust. Why feel sorry for me about that?
Yes, we may have different challenges than other people, but that doesn’t mean our challenges are tougher to live with at all. It means that we adapt – we change – we do what we need to do. Just like every other parent in the world. Every family has its own unique challenges that others can’t understand. That doesn’t mean we need or want your pity.
Instead of pity, why not ask how the kids are doing? Ask if they are happy or what they enjoy doing. Ask about them – just like you would if you were talking to any other parent. Save your pity for when we can’t see it, because I’ll be honest… some days, some exhausting, rough days.. when I see that pity, it just makes me want to cry. And I don’t need that. I would much rather tell you where Casey volunteered this week or that Rob tried another new food.
I would much rather tell you that Rob doesn’t need to rip magazines all the time so his anxiety must be under control. I’d love to tell you how Casey loves to sing and can’t wait to be in the talent show again this spring. Or I could tell you about the Lego designs Rob builds or the things Casey paints. Fun things are so much easier to talk about. I’ll listen to you brag about your children and I’ll brag about mine.
Save your pity for someone who may really need it. Or, instead of feeling sad for us, get to know us and be our friend. We can always use new friends! Ask questions. Smile. say hi to Casey and Rob. They truly aren’t scary (I always laugh when people ask how dangerous they can be when upset. What can I say? I have an odd sense of humor at times! 🙂 ) Just because they have heard of someone with severe behaviors, they often assume every person with autism has those behaviors. Cause, you know, everyone is exactly alike, autism or not. Ugh.
So, if you are reading this blog just because you are interested, remember to save your pity. Be our friend. 🙂 If you are a person who see that pity face, remember people don’t know what to say at times, so don’t smack them. 🙂 Instead, brag about your children, just like I do! 🙂