Autism and the Difficulty in Trusting Others

Autism and the Difficulty in Trusting Others

I've been called an over-protective Mama Bear.

I've been told to relax.

People have said, "What's the worst that can happen?"

I don't care. Until Casey and Rob are able to walk in the door and say "I got hurt" or "Someone was mean," I will be the over-protective Mama Bear. It's too dangerous not to be.

Several years ago, Casey was laying on the couch, talking and giggling, One of the things she said was about being touched. I immediately asked her when it happened. She told me the exact date - from six months prior. Luckily, I had already been aware of that incident, but it proved once again that I can't trust that either of them will tell me if something happens that makes them uncomfortable. They won't even tell me if they don't feel well.

I dread when new staff starts at their day program. I wish that only people with a true passion for working with people with disabilities would work there, but that's not how it is. People who aren't nice, people who want to control others - those people scare me. I wish I could relax more, but I can't. I need to know they are always with people who will keep them safe.

We recently interviewed a new staff person to take Casey into the community for a few hours on Mondays. I was sick about finding a new one, until this sweet young lady's name was mentioned. I know her mom and we had taken dance lessons from her so I knew Casey knew her. She asked so many questions about what Casey might want to do and what I wanted from her, but the only thing I want to for her to be safe and to have fun.

What if she eats too much? I don't care. What if she buys... I don't care. Just bring her home to me safely. That's all I worry about. Besides, I knew Casey would tell Crimzen exactly where she wanted to go and what she wanted once she got there. I knew she would be safe with Crimzen. We got lucky!

People who don't have a person with communication issues in their lives just don't get it. Many think I hold on too tight. They don't get the fear of someone hurting your child and them not being able to tell you. That wears heavier on me than worrying about them when I'm gone. The constant fear that I won't be able to protect them and they won't understand how hard I've tried.

Autism is hard. Not always completely difficult, but it's hard. It's never knowing what happens when your kids aren't with you. It's never knowing if they are sick or lonely or scared. It's a guessing game and it's exhausting. It's holding tight to the people who you know you can trust and slowly, cautiously, letting new people into your inner circle.